The Adventures of Lodo Kaggins Lord of the Wings
by ring-junkie
Summary: Includes a bit of violence.... I thought it was funny, and I hope you do too.


DISCLAIMER: This is not, in any way, trying to make fun of JRR Tolkien's work of literary genius 'The Lord of the Rings' or Peter Jackson's masterpieces - the films of 'The Lord of the Rings' - or any of the actors in these films. I am only trying to make people laugh and I have not gained anything from writing this, except a few reviews (hint hint).

****

**The Adventures of Lodo Kaggins  
  
OR  
  
The Lord of the Wings**  
  
_You kind of know the story already so we'll give a very short intro: Pauron makes twenty Wings, gives nine to Kings of men, seven to the Frawds and three to the Shelves but keeps one for himself (isn't that greedy?). He uses his one against them all (they'll never be fooled by sleek feathers again) and a big bad war takes place between Pauron and the evil forces of Hordor (namely Horks) and 'The Last Alliance' of Shelves and men. Lots of Shelves and men die. Bob (son of Yellendil) cuts the One Wing off Pauron's hand and wins the war (hooray!). Smellrond, a Lord of Shelves from Elrondville, takes Bob to Mount Moody and tells him to throw the Wing into the Sack of Gloom where it will be forever disheartened and unable to control anyone. Bob refuses. Bob was robbed of the One Wing by some very careless Horks who lost it in the struggle to overpower the men five years later. It fell into a river, where it waited and waited to be found...._  
  
"Table, has it caught anything yet?" asked Bagel.

"Not one bite yet... WAIT!" Table's fishing rod suddenly jerked with the bite of a fish. This rocked the whole rowing boat. "It's a bite!" he exclaimed.

"Well pull it in then!" said Bagel excitedly.

"Yes, yes!" Table cheered. The fish gave an almighty jerk, pulling Table right over the edge of the boat and into the murky water below.

"Table! Table!" Bagel yelled. But Table could not hear him; he was being pulled away by the enormous fish. He knew he could not hold on to the rod much longer, so he let go (not much for challenges these river folk, you see). He made to swim up to the surface but just then he saw a sparkling object at the bottom of the pool. He swam down and picked it up.  
  
Table swam to the bank and hauled himself up onto it. Out of breath he stared down at the object he had just picked up – it was a shining golden wing, which looked like it was from a chicken.

"Table! I was worried about you." Bagel suddenly saw what Table was examining in his grubby hand and asked sharply, "What's that, my love?" slowly snaking his arm around Table's shoulder.

"Nothing," said Table, trying to hide it.

"Let me see it!" Bagel demanded.

"No, don't want to!" Table retorted.

"Give it to me!"

"Why should I?"

"Because I wants it and it's my birthday!"

"It's mine, my own, not yours."

"Greedy, Table, let me see, let me see now!"

"NO!" Table shouted, yelling in pain as Bagel grasped his hand and twisted it at an awkward angle to try and snatch the wing. Grabbing Bagel's face, Table tried to force him off.

"Just one little peak!" begged Bagel, slightly muffled by the hand over his face.

"NO! NOT YOURS!"

"But I wants it, Table... I wants it for my birthday!!!" Bagel knocked the wing out of Table's hand and they both ran towards it... Table was closest but Bagel grabbed him round the neck, making him fall to the ground. Bagel's hands were closing round Table's neck, causing him to choke... Then Table's hands stopped clawing at Bagel's head and shoulders – he was dead. Bagel clambered over Table's body and took hold of the Wing.

"It came to me, my own, my precious!" Then he left, still looking at the wing intensely, only turning back to mutter, "Thank you for the birthday present, brother!"  
  
The Wing, which you should have figured out by now was Pauron's One Wing that Bob lost, gave Bagel an unnaturally long life, corrupting him towards the power of evil. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind and he even forgot his own name. He became known as Hullo, a creature of darkness, and for five hundred years he stayed in up in his cave in the Foggy Hills. Then, when the time came, the Wing escaped Hullo and flew away, leaving him on his own for the first time in five hundred years. Then something happened that the Wing did not predict. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable – a Moppet. Limbo Kaggins of the Hire.

** The Fellowship of the Wing**  
  
_The Hire 60 years later..._  
  
Lodo Kaggins was leaning against a tree, smoking his pipe and generally relaxing. But then someone's singing interrupted his dreams of becoming the Supreme Ruler of the Hire:  
  
_ "The road goes ever on and on,  
Down from the door where it began..."_  
  
It was Blandalf. Lodo sprung from his earthy seat and ran towards the road.  
  
"Blandalf! Will you please stop making that infernal racket... I was quite comfortable before you came, making all that noise! You nearly woke up the whole Hire. By the way, you're late! Did you know?" 

"Lodo Kaggins, a Blizzard is always late, never is he early. He arrives precisely five minutes after he means to!" Blandalf's lips started to tremble, then his mouth opened wide and he let out the longest belch imaginable.

The expression on Lodo's face was unmistakable. It was a look of the utmost disgust. "Blandalf, I do hope you're going to excuse yourself?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

Blandalf shrugged. "Why should I? There's no real reason to."

Lodo sighed, raising his eyes to the heavens. "Let's get this over with... Limbo told me to travel with you until we get within ten feet of Kag Start." (Kag Start is the name of Lodo and Limbo Kaggins' Moppet hole.)

Having said a rather tentative 'see you later' to Lodo, who was obviously in a bad mood for some unknown reason, Blandalf drew up his cart at the doorway of Kag Start. Extinguishing his pipe, he knocked on the little, round, green door. 

A squeaky voice shouted from inside, "No visitors, well wishers or very distant relatives!"

"What about very old friends?" Blandalf asked, leaning on his staff. The door opened slowly to reveal a very short Moppet with extremely frizzy hair and an extremely large waistline. "Blandalf?" he exclaimed weakly, before falling flat on his face in a dead faint. Well, more or less flat, because he had to make room for his stomach.  
  
Lodo sat watching his friend Gam dancing with a Moppet called Posie at Limbo's one hundred and eleventh birthday party, wondering if he'd ever get a girlfriend. This was not probable, because, as you will find out, Lodo was a complete control freak. Limbo, having been revived five minutes earlier, was telling a group of little Moppet children the stories of his previous adventures, and he was doing quite well, as only two of them had fallen asleep so far, compared to the usual seven. Blandalf's fireworks had not been a success, as they had got wet and most of them had mysteriously disappeared. He was sitting in a corner, puffing dejectedly on his pipe. He blew several smoke rings that looked distinctly like rude hand gestures, but when asked he said they were 'nothing'. Two other Moppets, Perry and Mippin, were sitting in a pavilion, doubled over in silent laughter. It was they who had stolen Blandalf's fireworks. Perry grabbed the nearest firework and handed it to Mippin, telling him to set it off. They were both slightly drunk, but even so, this was their normal behaviour.

"There," said Mippin, having just lit the fuse.

"You're supposed to stick it in the ground!" Perry pushed the firework back to Mippin.

"It is in the ground," Mippin replied, getting slightly panicky.

"Outside," Perry moaned.

"This was your idea!" Mippin accused, just as the firework launched itself into the sky, taking the pavilion with it and half of the food that had been inside it. The firework went up in the air, exploded and then came down in the form of a dragon. There were several terrified shouts of "Dragon!"

"Dragon? Limbo!" The foolish Lodo sprang from his seat to his uncle. "Uncle Limbo, there's a dragon! Get down!"

"Dragon? Dragon? Oh, Dragon, there hasn't been a dragon in these parts for, um, a few hundred years. What are you talking about my dear boy?" said the drunken and slightly confused Limbo. The firework zoomed over the top of Limbo's fuzzy head and sped into the distance, where it fizzled out with a large pop and nose-dived into the lake.

"Damn, should have put more gunpowder in it," said a disgruntled Blandalf. "Wait a minute, I didn't set that firework off... so who did?"

Just then Perry and Mippin came creeping around the corner, trying to get horse mess out of their clothes and hair. They had been thrown backwards by the force of the firework into a pile of it, left there by Blandalf's horse. I guess that's what you'd call ironic.

"Yeah, that was good!" Perry was saying.

"Lets get another one!" Mippin grinned.

"Ahh, Periadoc Trandybuck and Meregrin Book, I might have known... if my brain wasn't made of mush," Blandalf accused, grabbing both Moppets by the ears. "EAHHH !#," they screamed in pain.

"You will be doing the washing up for the rest of this party," Blandalf instructed, "and remind me to wash both of your mouths out with soap... that was some rather filthy language."

"NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE WASHING UP!" Perry screamed.

"Now run along!" Blandalf said, whilst laughing manically. In the midst of the party he could hear a few fat Moppets yelling "SPEECH SPEECH!" and he could see Lodo going round to each of them and telling them off for ordering his uncle around.

"Alright then," said Limbo, who was obviously enjoying all the attention. He staggered over to a barrel and stood on top of it. "All of you Moppets who have bothered to turn up at this miserable, what was supposed to be special, occasion... I've got something to say to you." He puffed out his chest and squared his shoulders, one hand reaching into his pocket. "You are the most disgusting, disloyal, dishonest and anything else that begins with dis that I haven't thought of yet, Moppets I have ever known. Bye!" He disappeared. Blandalf stared at the spot where Limbo had just disappeared from with a look of great curiosity.

A terrible eye wreathed in flame stirred somewhere in the West of Centre World.  
  
Limbo walked into Kag Start, looking around and feeling immensely pleased with himself. He had pulled off the most amazing magic trick in the whole of The Hire, no wait, the whole of Centre World, and it was all down to this wing. "Boop!" he said merrily as he threw it in the air and caught it again. He was the best.

"I suppose you think that was very clever, Limbo Kaggins," said a voice from the living room, which interrupted Limbo's thoughts of taking over the world as leader of the Magic Squad, a race of men who did impossible magic tricks and got away with them.

"Oh, Blandalf, it's only a bit of fun."

"Limbo, there are many Magic Wings on this earth (most on chickens) and none of them should be used lightly, or in your case heavily... poor wing must have strained itself to get you off the ground. All 78 stone of you." Blandalf was sitting in the biggest armchair he could find, only just managing to squeeze himself in between the arms, toasting marshmallows on the fire.

"Yes, you're probably right, as usual," Limbo sighed.

"Limbo, are you still going ahead with your plans to leave? If you don't hurry up, all the places at Elrondville Mental Care Institute might have gone," said the Blizzard, getting to his feet, wandering into the kitchen and helping himself to a large piece of Camembert cheese. This he speared on the end of the gold poker resting in the corner of the living room with the rest of the priceless ornaments and proceeded to melt it onto a piece of toast, making an extremely greasy mess on the floor. Limbo nodded, trying hard to ignore the three thousand Mounds' worth, Moppet money, of gold poker melting in with the cheese.

"Then the wing must go to Lodo. Where is it?" Blandalf took a large chomp out of the toast and melted cheese-gold, resulting in the fact that he now had gold-plated teeth.

"Quite right. It's over on the mantelpiece in an envelope. No, wait... it's here in my pocket. Now isn't that strange?" Limbo said, taking the wing out of his pocket and examining it. "After all, why should I give it up? It came to me, its mine, my own, my precious." When saying the word 'precious' Limbo's eyes had a mad flare in them.

"Precious? That's not the first time it has been called that, but not by you," said Blandalf, looking at the Moppet with concern, cheese slowly glooping from the toast onto his knee. "I think you've had that wing long enough."

"It's mine! You don't want it for Lodo, you want it for yourself!"

"Limbo Kaggins! Do not take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks!" Blandalf exploded. "I'm not trying to rob you, I'm trying to help you get into a mental home while it's still free," he finished, softening at the petrified expression on Limbo's face.

"Blandalf," said Limbo, who had let grief get the better of him. He ran forwards and hugged Blandalf around the middle, getting a face-full of beard.

"My dear friend, all these long years we have been friends. Can't you find it in your heart to trust me, as you once did? Elrondville is the only mental care home available for people in your condition."

"Well Blandalf, the night grows late and the road is long, time to be going," Limbo said, whilst gathering his things and then he made to head out the door, but...

"Limbo, the wing is still in your pocket," Blandalf reminded him, finishing the last few crumbs of his greasy snack and licking his fingers.

"Ah." Limbo took the wing out of his pocket and dropped it on the ground, but the wing seemed reluctant to leave his hand. He walked out the door. Taking a deep breath, he said "You will keep an eye on Lodo, won't you? And make sure he doesn't bake the wing and eat it for his supper?" This sentence contained a subtle hint towards Blandalf, which the Blizzard probably didn't get.

"Two eyes, as often as I can spare them."

"Goodbye, Blandalf," said Limbo, walking towards him and hugging him again.

"Goodbye, dear Limbo," said Blandalf bending down to receive the hug. "Until our next meeting." Limbo walked down to the road, his pack on his shoulder and his walking stick in his hand, and then he began to sing his own twisted version of Blandalf's song:  
  
_ "This is Blandalf's stupid song,  
The one in Elrondville he began.  
It goes ever on and on,  
And I must flush it down the pan..."_

Lodo walked back into the moppet hole. He saw Limbo's old wing on the floor and picked it up, but then he noticed Blandalf sitting next to the fire and muttering to himself, wreathed in a halo of smoke from his pipe.

"He's gone hasn't he?" Lodo asked, "To that mental home. Ah well, it looks like I'm in charge... How... how sad. Now for a bit of Limbo's old chicken wing. I'm quite hungry." Lodo made towards the cooker, and in a flash, Blandalf was up.

"NO!"

"No what, Blandalf?"

"Do not eat that wing!"

"Why ever not? It looks quite tasty... Wait a minute, are you trying to order me about?" asked Lodo testily.

"My dear Moppet, I'm not ordering you about. Have a marshmallow." Blandalf laughed nervously at the expression on Lodo's face and motioned to the now burnt crisps sitting on the mantelpiece that used to be marshmallows. "I just have a suspicion about that wing and I need to see if I'm right, which I nearly always am. Keep it secret, keep it safe and do not eat it." He turned and swept out of the door, bashing his head on the frame because he was too tall.  
  
Nine sack horses galloped from the most evil tower in Centre World, carrying the Nine Riders of Canis Horgul. They had been sent to look for a Kaggins in the Hire and nothing would stop them.  
  
A dog barked as a sack shape drew up outside a Moppet hole and its owner came outside. "Hire... Kaggins..." hissed the rider. He had a sore throat so he had to whisper.

"You won't find no Kagginses round here," the Moppet stammered. "They're all up in Moppeton... that way!" He ran back inside his hole and shut the door. The sack rider knew the Moppet was watching him because he could hear the letterbox rattling as the hands that held it shook.  
  
It was late at night and the Red Monster, Lodo's local pub, had just closed for the night. He said goodbye to Gam and walked up the garden path to Kag Start. When he got inside, he found that all the lights were on and there were muddy footprints all over the floor. He decided to get a sandwich from the fridge and went into the kitchen. But when he opened it, the fridge was completely empty, even the remnants of a mouldy cucumber that he had been meaning to throw out were gone. Then Lodo noticed that there was a trail of crumbs and scraps of food leading into the living room. He followed it and found Blandalf sitting in Lodo's favourite armchair with his feet on the coffee table, surrounded by sweet wrappers, a half eaten sandwich, dirty plates and dishes, crumbs and what was left of the contents of Lodo's fridge. There was also a rather nasty smell, which, Lodo decided, was coming from the Blizzard's feet, as his muddy boots were kicked off next to the fireplace.

"Blandalf!" Lodo roared. "How dare you enter my Moppet hole without my permission, eat all of my food and make the most horrible mess in my living room!?" Blandalf watched Lodo innocently, finishing the last few bits of an extremely large chocolate cake and licking the icing off his fingers. There were crumbs in his beard and moustache. Lodo gasped in horror. "That was my birthday cake! I was saving it for tomorrow!" He waded through the sea of mess and pulled Blandalf into a standing position by his beard, losing all self-control. "That's it! I've had enough! Get out! Go on... out!" In answer, Blandalf let out a low burp but didn't move. Lodo screamed and started pulling out his hair in great tufts, jumping around like a lunatic. He had never been in such a dirty place, and for it to be his own home, then... well.  
  
After a few minutes, Blandalf managed to calm him down and brought up the subject of the wing. "Where is it?" he asked. "You didn't eat it, did you?"

"I think the question is did you?" snapped the Moppet. "It's here." He put a hand into his pocket and pulled out the golden chicken wing. Blandalf threw it onto the fire and then took it out, using the tongs. "Hold out your hand," he told Lodo. "Don't worry, it's quite cool." Lodo held out his hand and Blandalf put the wing onto his palm. Lodo yelped in pain and dropped it, running to the cold-water tap and turning it on, running the cold water over his burnt hand.

"Oh, sorry... my mistake," Blandalf apologized. He picked the wing up with the tongs again and held it out so that Lodo could see it clearly. "Can you see anything on it?" he asked.

"No. There's nothing," Lodo shrugged. Blandalf sighed. "Wait! There is something... writing. I can't read it." "It is written in the language of Hordor, which I shall not utter here. In the common tongue it says:  
  
_One Wing to rule them all, One Wing to find them,  
One Wing to bring them all and in the darkness bind them._  
  
This is that One Wing."

"Then it cannot stay in the Hire!" Lodo exclaimed.

"No, Lodo, it cannot."

"Then take it, Blandalf... take it!"

"No, Lodo."

"I'm giving it to you... take it!" ordered Lodo.

"Lodo... Do not tempt me... I'm hungry enough as it is. You didn't have very much food in your fridge," Blandalf complained. "This is the One Wing that belonged to the Dark Lord Pauron. If he gets it back, the whole of Centre World shall be doomed. His spies are everywhere and on the lookout."

"Blandalf, I..." Lodo began. Blandalf silenced him with a look and motioned for him to get down on the floor. Then he moved silently over to the windowsill and peered outside. The Blizzard suddenly stabbed down with his staff, whacking something soft and squidgy. "Gamwise Samgee I might have known!" Blandalf roared, "How much did you hear!?"

"Not much, sir, just somethin' about a Dark Lord and the end of the world... That's all, sir, I swear!"

"Hmmm, Gam, I think you should be grateful I don't turn you into something unnatural. You will accompany Lodo on his trip to Elrondville. Now Lodo, I must run to Isenbard to check with the head of my order Paruman on this matter; he'll know what to do. Lodo you must flee."

"Alright, Blandalf, I'll go as the dawn breaks, and head across country to avoid the roads."

"Oh, and Lodo, don't ever put on the Wing, for it will fly you to Hordor! Beware of the Horks; I'll meet you at the sign of the Dancing Horse in Stilton! Farewell." With that, Blandalf left the Moppet hole, smacking his head on the frame again.

"We really must warn him about that," Lodo muttered, shaking his head.

"Mr Lodo, I still don't see why we had to get up so early, Beth will be wondering where I am."

"Oh Gam, stop worrying about your pig, I'm sure she'll be fine," Lodo assured him. "We're almost at Farmer Faggot's fields."

Gam suddenly stopped, looking down at the ground with an expression of doubt on his face. "If I take one more step, it'll be the furthest away from home I've ever been."

Lodo went back and took his arm. "Come on." He dragged him forwards.  
  
They had entered a large field of corn owned by Farmer Faggot, quite a forceful Moppet with a bad temper and three vicious dogs Lip, Bang and Folf. Lodo and Gam slowly made their way through the fields, and were about halfway through when Gam made them stop for a breather.

"I'm sorry, Mr Lodo, sir, but I can't... keep... up...with you..."

"Gam, we have been crawling along at half a mile per hour. Get up, you lazy fool."

"But sir, I normally lie down while trimming the lawn."

"Come whaaaaaaaaa!" Lodo had just been knocked over by a very short Moppet, named Mippin Book, and Gam was underneath the fat and ugly Perry Trandybuck, who had tripped over him.

"Oh, sorry," Mippin said, whilst heaving Lodo up and brushing him off. "Why Lodo, you must weigh at least seven stone, which is quite too much for a Moppet."

"Although we would quite like to stay and chat, we can't, as..."

"You've been into Farmer Faggot's crops!" accused Gam, rudely interrupting Perry.

"Please, Gam, hold your tongue, or I will cut it out for you," Lodo threatened, shoving Mippin away.

"C'mon Mip, or Folf will eat you alive!" Perry loaded Gam's arms with carrots and seized Mippin around the neck, running away, followed closely by Lodo.

"Wait, Lodo, I can't run that fast!" Gam called after them.

Farmer Faggot's shouts soon became heard: "Oi, you! Come back here!" And the barks of his dogs echoed across the hill. Gam dropped the carrots and ran as fast as he could, which was at two miles per hour, in the direction the other three Moppets had gone. He found them standing, waiting very impatiently for him. Mippin was rubbing his neck where Perry had grabbed it and Lodo was looking around. What Gam didn't notice was that they were near the edge of a cliff. He skidded and Mippin was caught in the stomach by eight stone of Moppet, causing him to bump into Perry and Lodo, knocking them off the cliff. Gam and Mippin rolled down the hill after them and came to a halt on the east road, on top of Perry and Lodo.

"You idiot, Gam!" yelled Lodo, picking Gam up and hitting him.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I figured it was a short cut," Gam explained, wincing.

"A short cut to what?" asked Perry.

"Rushmooms!" Mippin exclaimed, spotting a patch. He rubbed his ribs, where Gam had banged into him.

"I think we should get of the road," said Lodo. Something wasn't quite right. "Get off the road, quick!" The four Moppets ran as fast as they could, hiding underneath a tree's roots. A figure, clad all in sack, on a sack horse arrived, striking chill into the air. Lodo suddenly felt an urge to put on the Wing. The sack rider sniffed once or twice, because he had a cold, and dismounted, hearing the Wing flapping in Lodo's hand. Perry grabbed Mippin's bag of rushmooms and threw it to his left, distracting the sack rider. It mounted the sack horse again and cantered off, making a horrible shrieking noise as it went. The Moppets ran for all they were worth, which was not much, further into the forest.

"Lodo?" said Perry, grabbing him by the shoulder and pulling him over; Perry had a nasty habit of grabbing things, normally Mippin. "That sack rider was after something, wasn't it?"

Lodo nodded. "I need to get to Stilton."

"Right. Muckleberry Sherry, follow me!" He ran off. The sack rider appeared from nowhere, screeching. It broke off for a second, coughing and sneezing, giving Mippin, Perry and Gam time to slip past. Lodo couldn't make it and was blocked by the sack horse. Lodo brandished some scissors, of which the sack rider was mortally afraid, and ran away. But in his haste, he dropped the scissors and couldn't go back for them. The other three Moppets had drunk the sherry that would transport them to the other side of the river and arrived there with a puff of smoke. As he ran, Lodo scooped up a handful of the Muckleberry Sherry and drank it, disappearing and arriving with another puff of smoke at the other side. The sack rider skidded to a halt – the sack horse didn't want to get all soggy in the river, and nor did he. Lodo lay on the ground, panting.

"How far to the nearest crossing?" he asked Perry.

"Brandyswine Bridge, twenty miles," he replied, grabbing Mippin by the hair as he did so. The sack rider could be heard screeching, and coughing, and four other riders joined it, galloping along the east road towards the bridge Perry had just mentioned.  
  
Lodo knocked cautiously on the gate into Stilton. Behind him, Mippin was trying to drink the rain and Perry had just grabbed Gam by the nose, causing him to yell with pain. The gatekeeper opened a flap in the door, frowned, and opened one a little further down at Moppet height.

"Who are you and what do you want?" he asked.

"We're travelling to the Dancing Horse," replied Lodo, "and our business is our own."

"All right, all right," said the gatekeeper, giving Mippin and Perry a strange look and opening the gate, "It's my business to ask questions after nightfall." The four Moppets made their way into Stilton, looking around them anxiously.

"This is a queer place to be sure, Mr Lodo," said Gam. After a while, the Moppets came to The Dancing Horse inn.

"Excuse me, sir. Excuse me! Oy, you there!" Lodo screamed at the innkeeper, who was quite deaf.

"Ahhh, four little Moppets. You are in luck this night; we have one free Moppet size room, four beds and an en suite. What would your name be? Oh, by the way, I'm Mr Butteredbread." "Lodo...Overvalley."

"Right, Mr Overvalley, can I have four shillings for the one night? And dinners will be served at the bar between six and nine pm; I'll bring you your breakfast at, say... what time will you be leaving?"

"Five o'clock."

"Four thirty, then, anything else?"

"We are friends of Blandalf the Gay, can you tell him we have arrived please?"

"Blandalf the Gay?" Butteredbread gave him a blank look. "OH! Tall man, big grey beard, pointy hat?" Lodo nodded in Butteredbread's pause. "Haven't seen him for, what... six months." Lodo turned to face his companions.

"What do we do now, Lodo?" quizzed Gam.

"Stay here, he'll come," assured Lodo. But Blandalf never did.

"The smoke rises on Mount Moody, Pauron spawns Horks, and Blandalf the Gay comes to Isenbard, to seek my council." 

"Paruman," said Blandalf bowing low.

"Blandalf, my old friend!" Paruman exclaimed, running down the steps. "Forget the royalties... I've missed you!" He kissed Blandalf on both cheeks.

"Paruman, I've found the one Wing and sent a Moppet called Lodo Kaggins to take the Wing to Elrondville. I seek your council."

"Indeed." Paruman beckoned Blandalf inside. "Pauron grows stronger by the minute, Blandalf, and his armies of Horks grow bigger; at least ten thousand strong. Who now will stand up to this might? Rondor have no force, they are weak. The Shelves are sailing to the west, Elrondville has no power...."

"Then Sohan, they have many knights."

"No, Blandalf, you are wrong; no one can stand up to him. I think it wise, my friend, to join Pauron."

"Tell me, _friend_, when did Paruman the wise give in reason for madness?"

"HRA!!!" Paruman suddenly attacked Blandalf with his stick and karate moves. Blandalf was thrown against the wall, and then Paruman used his magic to put Blandalf on top of Isenbard's tower, Corwank.

"Mr Lodo, you see that man in the corner? He's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived," Gam pointed out, while he and Lodo were drinking a half pint of beer. 

"Hmm," Lodo pondered. "Mr Butteredbread, who is that man in the corner?" he asked.

"Him? Oh, he's one of them Park Rangers. I don't know his right and proper name but round here we know him as Walker."

"Oh, right. What do you think, Gam, think he's evil?" But Lodo and Gam's thoughts were punctured by a loud voice by the bar...

"Kaggins? Oh sure I know a Kaggins! Lodo Kaggins! He's right over there; my second cousin twice removed, on his mothers side, but... Steady on!" Mippin exclaimed, as Lodo had run towards him to try and stop him talking; the Wingwraiths knew his name and Mippin had just given away his identity! But in his haste, Lodo slipped on someone's foot and fell over; the Wing escaped Lodo's pocket and fell on his arm, making him invisible and lifting him further off the ground... Suddenly two great arms lifted him up and took the Wing off his arm, then threw him into a room.

"HEY!"

"That's no trinket you carry. I can avoid being seen if I want to, but to disappear entirely? That's a rare trick."

"Who are you?"

"Walker, the Park Ranger..."

"I'll 'ave you, long shanks!" Gam, Mippin and Perry burst into the room, fists raised.

"You have a stout heart, little one, but that will not save you." Walker turned back to Lodo, "Are you frightened?"

"N...yes," Lodo answered.

"Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you. The Wing calls to them, Mr Kaggins."

"How did you know my name?"

"I am friend to Blandalf the Gay, he told me you might come looking for him. He said that if he is not here, I am to take you on to Elrondville immediately."

"Elrondville? But isn't that a mental institute? Why are we going there?" asked Mippin.

"Don't ask stupid questions!" Walker snapped. In truth he didn't know.

"You set us up, Lodo!" yelled Perry. "I'm not going to no mental place! I'm not mental!" Screaming, he launched himself on top of Lodo, grabbing him round the neck and bashing his head against the floor. Walker watched, with raised eyebrows, slightly confused, as Mippin and Gam threw Perry off Lodo and tied his hands behind his back, the Moppet still trying wildly to attack Lodo.  
  
_Later that evening..._  
  
The gatekeeper heard horses approaching. "Who goes there?" The horses did not slow down..."Who goes there?" he called again. SCREECH! The gate was trampled and under it, the gatekeeper. The sack riders didn't even look back.  
  
Five dark shapes pushed Butteredbread away as he tried to defend his bar. "Lodo...Kaggins," was all they would say.  
  
The five raised their swords above the Moppets' four beds. Ready to strike, the riders in black sacking sniffed as one, and then wiped their noses. Their blows struck the four beds again and again, spearing the Moppets whilst they slept. SCREECH! SCREECH! Triumphant screeches echoed round the room, waking the Moppets next door...

"Walker, what are they?"

"Wingwraiths, Sack Riders, they were men once, Pauron the deceiver gave them nine wings but they were corrupted in their greed and reduced to wraiths. By the way, what are your names? I know master Kaggins here but you three are?" He spoke very fast and hardly stopped to breathe.

"Gam Samgee."

"I'm Perry Trandybuck, and this," said Perry grabbing Mippin by the ear, "is Mippin Book."

"Hello," said Mippin, prising Perry's hand away from his ear and smiling awkwardly. Walker gave Perry an odd look, and Mippin whispered, "Medical condition."  
  
At dawn, Walker woke the Moppets from their sleep; first Lodo, who got up and went to leave a note of apology for Butteredbread about the room after orders from Walker; then Mippin and Perry; and finally, after half an hour of poking him with a large stick, Gam.

"Where are we going now? Blandalf said we were to go to Elrondville, but that must be at least four days travel... anyway, where is Blandalf, and where's my breakfast?" asked a disgruntled Gam.  
  
"What about breakfast?" Mippin pestered Walker.

"Already had it," a confused Walker said, wondering if all these Moppets ever talked about was breakfast.

"We've had one, yes, but what about second breakfast?"

Walker made off with the pony, Bill, bemused.

"Don't think he knows about them," said Perry.

"What about elevenses? Lunch? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about those, doesn't he?"

"I wouldn't count on it, Mip."

Walker threw an apple back to Mippin and it bounced off his head. Perry grabbed it and hissed menacingly at Mippin when he tried to take it back, baring his teeth.

Blandalf huddled against the tower's pillar, watching Paruman's Horks ripping down trees to make fires, and digging great mines, where they spawned a new race of Horks, the Urk-Hors. The top of Corwank tower was a desolate place. Having no living thing around him, Blandalf had given up any hope of escape; the closest form of life was the Urk-Hors in the mines below. Blandalf suddenly reached out and caught a small moth, which had been fluttering near the edge of the tower.

"Queiut xkd dmd," Blandalf started to try and communicate. "Ehdmdkdg jdfjd." (This meant, 'bring an eagle here as fast as you can')

Paruman suddenly flew up out of the shadows, stick poised. "So, Blandalf, have you decided to be wise?"

"I'll never join Pauron!!"

"Then you have elected the way of PAIN!"

"These are for you, keep them close." Walker handed out four Moppet size swords. "We'll have no fire tonight, for they are always watching..." Walker instructed, looking nervously around them. "I'm going to look around. Get some rest, we leave at dawn."

"C'mon Gam, better get some sleep while we can," Lodo put down his head to rest. After twelve hours of walking, he fell fast asleep....  
  
"Bacon, eggs and sausages... this is a feast isn't it Mip," Perry said, trying to grab Mippin's plate of food.

"Mmm, vrry, tasty, foffages," agreed Mippin with his mouth full. "Get off! You already had the apple Walker gave to me!" Perry bared his teeth and snarled. "Okay, take it..." Mippin shoved the plate towards Perry.

"Oh look, Lodo's woken up! Come on, Mr Lodo, we've saved you some too," said Gam, poking the fire with his finger, "That's hot!"

"PUT IT OUT YOU FOOLS, PUT IT OUT!!!!" yelled Lodo.

"That's not very nice," Mippin groaned, "It took us an hour to get started!"

"The sack riders! HIDE!" The four Moppets made their way hastily to the top of the great watchtower of Almonds Loose. Suddenly five wraiths appeared out of the gloom.

"Get back you devils!" An extremely foolish Gam ran at the wraiths, but was just flung out of the way. Perry and Mippin closed in round Lodo but weren't strong enough to defend him for long. The terrified Lodo dropped his sword and scrambled round in his pocket for his scissors; he pulled them out... but no, it was the Wing! Lodo was overpowered by the urge to put the Wing on, so he did. Everything had gone white and the wraiths were gathered round him.

"The Wing," the chief of the sack riders repeated, and stuck out his hand to grope for it. Lodo was being pulled further towards him when he pulled away. The rider stabbed at Lodo, catching him in the shoulder, making him writhe in pain.

"ARRR!" Walker was back. He had fire, and the sack riders were set alight. Walker swung his sword wildly around over his head, pulling the most ugly faces imaginable as he did so, and the wraiths had to retreat. At last Lodo managed to pull of the Wing, and Gam rushed to his aid.

"Walker! Look at Lodo!"

Walker rushed over when he heard Gam's yells. "He's been stabbed by a Horgul blade. He'll soon become a wraith, like them. This is beyond my power to heal. We must get him to Elrondville."

"Is he going to die?" asked Mippin fearfully, ducking out of the way as Perry tried to throttle him.

"Gam," called Walker, not answering Mippin, "Do you know the Tatolas plant? It may help to stay the poison."

"Tatolas?" Gam frowned.

"Queensword."

"It's just a weed..."

"Go and get some!" Walker yelled, fed up with Gam's slowness.  
  
Walker found some of the plant, but a sword was put under his chin, making him stop.

"What's this? A Park Ranger caught off his guard?" said a female voice.

"Larwen," Walker sighed.

"My father sent me, he said the Wing-bearer was injured."

"Yes, his name is Lodo Kaggins, the wraiths stabbed him."

"Where is Lodo?"

"Through here."

"I'll take him to Elrondville, as I'm the swifter rider," Larwen offered.

"No, there are too many wraiths."

"Once I've got him across the river, the power of my people will protect him," Larwen argued.

"Larwen, toyir dsoarff, thwe fdsaw fe jutey." Walker said in Shelvish, (in English its 'Larwen it's too dangerous, you could be hurt.")

"What are they saying?" asked Mippin.

"How am I supposed to know?" snapped Perry.

"Varagorn thwe ghrit, erewjw hjfs dksd hkjde cksjdk fkdjf skjdnsk fgj jdfdk," Larwen said whilst mounting. ("Varagorn you forget, the Nine will never catch up with my horse.")

"Ride hard, do not look back," Walker said, while handing Lodo to her. Larwen made off, muttering words of encouragement to her horse.

"Walker, why did she call you Varagorn?" asked Perry.

"We've no time to waste, young master Trandybuck," Walker said, jumping warily backwards as Perry's hands twitched.

"Join us, Blandalf, old friend."

"Unlike you, Paruman, Blandalf the Gay is yet to give into temptation."

"Are you sure, because I could have sworn that you..."

Blandalf shook his head. "No."

"Fine." Paruman towered over Blandalf, and pushed him to the edge of the tower, just keeping him there with magic, but suddenly Blandalf stood up and jumped.

"WHAT!" Paruman roared, running to the edge. Blandalf was not as he had suspected, dead, but was riding the most magnificent eagle.

"PARUMAN THE WISE WILL HAVE THE EVIL IN WHICH HE DEALS BEFALL HIM!" And with that, Blandalf was flown away into the horizon.

"Not far now, Lodo, NO!" Five sack riders sprang out of the bushes mounted on great sack horses and four more joined them. "Faster, faster!" Larwen urged her horse on, the wraiths closing in all the time. The trees and bushes were snaking around; it was like a race in a maze. Larwen looked past the last tree onto the grass lane. She knew her horse would outrun the riders, but it was still a long way... Finally they reached the grassy lane. Larwen nudged her horse willing it to go faster, the river was only a few minutes away. There it was, the great river Ondowin. "Nerolim Nasfolath, nerolim," Larwen whispered to her horse ("Faster Nasfolath, faster,"). At last they reached the river and sped across, turning round to face the wraiths, which were at the other side, not daring to cross.

"Give up the Halfling, Shelf!" the Wit Wing snarled.

"If you want him, come and claim him!" Larwen drew her sword. The sack riders made to jump over the river, but suddenly a huge gust of wind blew the sack riders and their horses apart and their sacking flew everywhere. Larwen began to notice a change in Lodo, he was growing Wings and his skin was turning to sack.

"Lodo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Lodo looked up, blinking; he noticed he was in the most uncomfortable bed imaginable in what seemed to be... a padded cell? He screamed... The most horrible and twisted face of a male Shelf was looming an inch away from his.

"I think he is still suffering, Blandalf," the Shelf said, wafting his bad breath straight into Lodo's face.

"Blandalf! You're here!" Lodo exclaimed.

"Yes, it was a dangerous thing, being kept on Corwank, but I..." Blandalf was going into his escape story when Lodo interrupted.

"Traitor! I nearly died!!" Lodo sat up, bashing the ugly Shelf in the face and causing him to be knocked over backwards. Lodo started to foam at the mouth, this made him look like a rabies victim, and leapt on Blandalf, ripping at his beard.

"OUCH! Smellrond help me!! I'm being attacked by a deluded Moppet!" Blandalf cried for help as Lodo clawed at his face and nearly gouged out his eyes.

"NO! He might try and eat me, and I am too much of an important loss!" Smellrond replied, backing away and scrabbling for the door handle behind his back.

"Fine I'll do it myself!" Blandalf set Lodo down on the floor and placed a foot on his chest to hold him down. Lodo was still foaming, snarling and screaming insults. Blandalf did not realise, but Lodo still had his beard in his hands.

"Ah well," Blandalf sighed as he took his spare out of his pocket. Smellrond was once again thrown to the floor as Gam pushed open the door forcefully, bouncing up and down on the threshold. Lodo returned to his normal state at once, and Blandalf let him get up.

"Mr Lodo, sir! You're alive!!! We were that worried about you, weren't we, Blandy old pal?"

"Don't call me that here," snapped Blandalf, turning slightly pink.

"But I thought you liked it, at least that's what you told me..."

"I never said that."

"Yeah you did when we were..."

"SO Lodo, on the road to recovery are you?" interrupted Blandalf loudly.

"Wait a minute, I wasn't finished..."

"Yes you have, Gam. Oh, going are you? See you later, then," said Blandalf as he pushed him out of the door and closed it behind him sharply, still using Smellrond as a doormat. "Such a shame Gam had to leave, at such short notice too." Just then there was a small knock on the door. Blandalf opened it. "Yeeees?"

"Well as I was saying, you told me to OUCH!" Gam's face was shut in the door. He pulled it out and thumped on the door saying, "If that's all I mean to you it's over!" and poor old Gam wandered away, snivelling. Blandalf sighed deeply, shaking his head, only interrupted from his thoughts by a muffled groan that came from somewhere underneath him.

"Oh, sorry, Smellrond!" he gasped, getting off the Shelf, lifting him to his feet and brushing the mud off his once immaculate clothing.

"As I was going to tell both of you before Lodo created that tiny diversion," Smellrond began, taking out one of the braids in his hair and re-plaiting it, "We are to receive very important guests from all across the land and there is to be a secret council to which you are both invited. It will take place tomorrow next week... at dawn," he added dramatically, swinging his cloak over his shoulder. And turning on his heel, laughing deeply and evilly, he walked smack into the wall, before clearing his throat as if nothing had happened and walking out of the door.

A few days later, Lodo stood on the balcony, watching the guests Smellrond had told him of arrive. First there was a man from Rondor. As his horse slowed to a walk, the man took out a mirror and started brushing his windswept hair out of his face, muttering something about the split ends being hopeless. On his back, he carried a large round shield and what looked like a makeup bag, but Lodo was too far away to be certain. A sword hung from his belt.

Next was a thickset Frawd, marching with about a dozen axes under one arm. He wore heavy looking armour and a helmet decorated in Frawdish.

Then came a male Shelf. He dismounted lightly from his grey horse and looked around, glancing up at Lodo and nodding slightly to signify that he had seen him. On his back was a large quiver full of arrows and a fine yew bow, decorated with Shelvish designs. He also carried two razor sharp Shelvish knives as backup.

There was a cough from somewhere near Lodo's elbow and he looked down to find his uncle Limbo standing beside him.

"Uncle Limbo!" Lodo exclaimed. But then he frowned. "You've shrunk."

Limbo nodded. "Yes. It's that Wing. The Shelves cured the green, mouldy skin but they did warn me that there would be side effects. It's that Smellrond, you know... I wouldn't trust him with your toenail clippings, let alone your life, he's a bit weird that one; he keeps doing a really creepy laugh and walking into walls."

"Why did you leave the Hire, Limbo?" asked Lodo, interrupting his uncle.

"Ah, my dear boy. I left the Hire because Blandalf told me about the Wing and where it has come from, and, well, after that I decided it was time for me to leave," explained Limbo. "And, this place has the best mental care in the world, you get a free straight jacket with every cell. You are curious for a Moppet you know, Lodo. Quite extraordinary."

Lodo smiled at his old uncle and bent down to hug him.

"Friends, country men and people I have never met before, we are gathered here to discuss some grievous news. As you all probably know our dear friend Sigi died yesterday afternoon. She was a wonderful person and great friend..." Smellrond's speech was cut short by Blandalf, who had cleared his throat loudly and raised his eyebrows at Smellrond. "Oh, er, yes. Sorry. Friends, countrymen and people I have never met before, we are gathered here to talk about the one Wing and what to do with it. Lodo, the Wing."

Lodo stood up and walked towards the small plinth they were seated round. He reached in his inside pocket and produced the Wing. At once it tried to flap away, but a dozen Shelves ran in and strapped it down.

"So it is true!?" exclaimed the man on Varagorn's left. Lodo recognised him as the one he had seen arrive.

"Yes, Pratomir, it is true," agreed Smellrond. "As I am sure you all agree we need a band of men to march into Hordor and destroy the Wing in the fires it was made in, the fires of MOUNT MOODY!!"

"Destroy it?" Pratomir stood up. "But this is the weapon of mass destruction Rondor have been waiting for... Do we not keep your fields and homes safe with the blood of our men?"

"Yes but..." Blandalf started.

"We must not destroy the Wing!"

"The Wing has not the power to do good, it will only destroy!" Varagorn stood up and Pratomir turned to face him. For a moment there was a tense silence.

"What does a mere Park Ranger know of this matter?"

The Shelf Lodo had seen arrive also stood up. "This is no mere Park Ranger... This is Lord Varagorn, son of Varathorn, rightful heir to the throne of Rondor. You owe him your allegiance." Pratomir looked from the Shelf's unblinking, startlingly blue eyes to Varagorn and back again before sitting back down and looking thoroughly disgruntled. He folded his arms and turned his back to Varagorn, tossing his hair over his shoulders and pointing his nose up in the air.

"Kafsn a sefe, Legobrix," said Varagorn, glancing at Pratomir guiltily. ("Sit down, Legobrix.") The Shelf sat down obediently.

"We need to select a number of people to perform this task," said Smellrond.

Temporarily forgetting his little strop, Pratomir said, "One does not simply walk into Hordor. There are forces there that never sleep... By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe..."

"Yes, yes, you told us that already," Smellrond snapped irritably. He could tell that this was going to be a long day.

"Then let us destroy it!" The Frawd that had been carrying all the axes leapt to his feet. Snarling like a maniac, he snatched up an axe from the floor and ran towards the table with it above his head.

"NO!" Pratomir ran forwards, placing himself between the Wing and the Frawd. Blandalf grabbed the handle of the axe as the Frawd brought it down and Legobrix and Varagorn had to restrain him, dragging him back to his chair where several Shelves put a straight jacket on him and tied him to the chair. Smellrond, who had leapt behind a potted cactus to hide, slowly emerged, picking the thorns out of his robes and hair.

"Imlig, son of Pooin, the Wing cannot be destroyed by any weapon that we here possess. If you had struck it with your axe, you would have received an electric shock of twenty thousand volts. That is why it was necessary for us to restrain you. We must destroy it. I suggest a band of Shelves take it and..."

"I would die before I see it in the hands of a Shelf!" roared Imlig. With this insult, a huge argument broke out. All the Frawds seemed to gang up on Smellrond, cornering him. He tried to dive for the cactus again but they grabbed him by the hair, poking him in the middle, as they couldn't reach his chest, and shouting. Pratomir and the other visitors from Rondor had cornered Varagorn in a similar way. Pratomir was gesticulating wildly with his hairbrush, and in a strange kind of way, it was intimidating. Blandalf went to Smellrond's defence, as he was quite pale and looked as if he were about to faint. Legobrix had shoved a man from Rondor out of the way, going to Varagorn's side, and the rest of the Shelves followed his example. Lodo sat watching, twiddling his thumbs; they would soon sort it out. But as Smellrond narrowly missed Lodo's head as he was thrown out of the council chamber, chased after by many axe wielding Frawds, grunting and roaring with pleasure at the new sport they had just invented (toss the Smellrond) and Imlig, still struggling in the straight jacket and still attached to the chair, Lodo decided they might not. He went over to the dais on which the Wing was tied, ducking as Pratomir's hairbrush flew past his ear, having been knocked out of his hand by a very annoyed Legobrix, and cleared his throat loudly. This had absolutely no effect.

"When you have quite finished making immature fools of yourselves, I would like to say something!" he shouted. Everyone stopped: Blandalf dropped the Frawd he had just prised off his nose; Varagorn sheathed his knife, which he had been threatening a man from Rondor with and there was silence, broken only by a yell, Smellrond flying back through the window, sliding across the marble floor, and a loud Frawdish cheer from outside. Smellrond didn't move.

"I win! I win!" The Frawds rushed back inside, greeted by the eerie silence, and at once fell back to their pretence at being a mature race. Everyone returned to their seat and looked expectantly at Lodo.

He looked round at them all. "I will take the Wing to Hordor... though I do not know the way. But it is doubtless that you have a map somewhere and..." He broke off at the many sour glares given to him around the council. "Er... never mind... I'm sure someone will want to come with me and help."

"I will show you the way," said Blandalf, smiling and trying to stick his beard back on.

"If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword." Varagorn walked towards Lodo and Blandalf, standing behind Lodo.

"And you have my bow." Legobrix did the same.

"An' my acsh," agreed Imlig, shuffling forwards on the chair with an axe held in his mouth. He stood as far away from Legobrix as possible. There was a pause, in which everyone glanced at Pratomir, who was looking in his mirror and doing his mascara.

"What are you looking at?" he snapped, closing the mascara and hurriedly stuffing it back into the makeup bag he had brought with him. He looked at the group of people all standing by Lodo and realised. "Oh!" He cleared his throat. "It seems you carry the fate of us all, little one. If it is as the council wishes, I will go with you."

"Oy! He's not going without me!" came a shout. Gam emerged from behind a bush and ran over, puffing and panting. There was a groan from the floor where Smellrond was.

"I think what he is trying to say is: No, it is hardly possible to separate you, seeing as he was summoned to a secret council and you were not," Blandalf translated. There were another two shouts and Perry and Mippin ran forwards.

"That's not fair!" Mippin cried.

"We're coming too!" Perry yelled.

"Nine travellers to contend with the nine riders of Hordor," said Blandalf.

"I proclaim you the Fellowship of the Wing," moaned Smellrond from the floor.

The members of the Fellowship were preparing their equipment so that they were ready to leave.

"Blandalf..." Pratomir ran after Blandalf down the corridor. "Blandalf, I have just the thing for that beard of yours." He held out a small purple bottle with a label that read 'Beard Glue – for that bothersome beard that just won't stay on'. Blandalf took it hesitantly. "It's very good," Pratomir assured him, "My father loves it, apart from he's shaved off his beard now. It's in the Blizzards range by Calvin Klein."

"Thank you. I'll remember that," said Blandalf, walking away...

"Imlig, I want to offer you this." Smellrond held a small, rectangular piece of laminated card out to the Frawd.

"What is it?" Imlig grunted.

"It's a coupon, entitling you to a free cell here at Elrondville Mental Care Institute whenever you might need it..."

"Lodo! Lodo, where are you?" called Limbo, walking in between bags and weapons. He was now half the size of a normal Moppet. "I've got something I want to give you."

"What is it, uncle Limbo?" asked Lodo. He had been hiding, but at the mention of a gift had come out.

"Come with me, my boy." Limbo led him into a room. He took out a sword from a cupboard. "Here, it's my old sword, Ping. Take it."

"It's very light."

"Yes. Made by the Shelves. It glows blue when Horks are near and glows pink when an untrustworthy salesman is near. It's come in very handy." He took out a chain mail shirt. "And this, Thimril. Keep it out of sight of the Frawds, they'll kill for it."

Lodo swallowed. "Er... okay."

"Put it on."

Lodo began to unbutton his shirt. Limbo caught sight of the Wing hanging on a chain round Lodo's neck and lunged at him, beginning to foam at the mouth just as Lodo had done when he attacked Blandalf. Lodo drew Ping and shoved Limbo away.

"Stay back," Lodo threatened. "Stay back or I'll..."

The door opened and Blandalf came in. "Everything all right?"

"Er... yes, Blandalf. I was just looking at the sword Limbo gave me. It's very nice."

"We have to go in a couple of minutes. I was just wondering if you've packed everything," Blandalf said. Lodo followed him out of the door, almost tripping over a large pile of cosmetics and bottles of lotion that Pratomir was struggling to pack into a smaller bag. "Pratomir I thought I told you to tidy that up about an hour ago," Blandalf scolded.

"I've been trying. It's just... I can't decide which ones to leave behind. I need them all." They watched Pratomir crawling around, picking up bottles, putting them in a bag, and then taking them out again. "Moustache and beard trimming scissors, perfume, hair-care lotion, bubble bath, shampoo, conditioner, hairdryer..."

"You won't need a hairdryer, Pratomir," Legobrix called from the other side of the corridor. "There aren't any plugs for you to use it in a forest, in case you hadn't noticed."

At these words Pratomir went pale. "N-no plugs? No... no hairdryer?" he stammered. "How do you survive? You live in a forest, don't you?"

"We have plugs in Smirkwood, yes, but only in our houses," Legobrix replied. His pointed Shelf-ears twitched and he suddenly threw Gam against the wall, holding him there by the throat. "Do _not_ touch the bow!" he growled. Gam let go of the yew bow and Legobrix snatched it back, letting Gam drop to the floor.

Blandalf leant close to the Moppet and whispered, "He's very touchy about that." Gam nodded, swallowing and glancing up at Legobrix.

"I have one other question," said Pratomir, glancing at the Moppet, then at Legobrix.

"Yes?" Legobrix sighed, looking rather bored. His eyes strayed to the bow in his hands, which he had been lovingly polishing earlier.

"How do you get you hair to look like that? I was looking at it while we were in the council and it has no split ends. And when you were standing rather close to me, I couldn't help smelling it and it's absolutely gorgeous... how do you do it?"

Legobrix gave a modest smile. "Well I just use normal shampoo, you know, and... you were what?" He broke off, giving Pratomir an extremely odd look.

"I was smelling your hair," he admitted.

"You were smelling my..." Legobrix jerked away from Pratomir, who had just leant very close to his ear. "Get away from me... people will suspect something."

"But it smells so nice..." Legobrix ran away, Pratomir following. The Shelf's light footsteps died away, but they could hear Pratomir thudding after him for some time, occasionally accompanied by shouts of "Come back! I didn't mean to offend you!"

Blandalf sighed. "Well, we'll have to wait for those two before we can begin our journey." He sat down on the wall and lit his pipe, making a very strange face as he blew a smoke-ship.

"I've just realised... where's Varagorn?" asked Perry, grabbing Mippin's wrist.

"He's gone to say goodbye to Larwen," Blandalf answered, pulling another face.

"Who's...?" Mippin stopped when he saw that Varagorn had returned. There were lipstick marks in the shape of lips all over his face and he looked dazed, wearing a silly smile on his face and staggering slightly. His hair was messed up and his shirt was unbuttoned at the top.

"Wow!" he breathed, leaning on the wall, giggling stupidly and almost falling over. "She's a hot chick, that Larwen."

Blandalf closed his eyes as if summoning some inner strength. "Varagorn, have a drink." He passed him a small leather pouch. Varagorn took a sip and coughed, eyes watering, returning to his normal self.

"Um... Varagorn, you've got something... there..." Mippin whispered, motioning to the lipstick.

He frowned and looked in Pratomir's mirror. "Oh!" He began to wipe it off, going red.

Just then, Legobrix returned, looking scared and hiding behind Varagorn. "Where is he?" he asked, looking fearfully around.

"Where's who?" asked Varagorn, trying to turn around to talk to Legobrix, but he kept running back behind him.

"That maniac from Rondor, Pratomir... He's obsessed... you have to keep him away from me... please," he begged, grabbing Varagorn by the shoulders.

"Pratomir? You're scared of Pratomir?" Varagorn frowned.

"Give me Horks, Moles, Moblins, Heffalumps... anything but him," Legobrix muttered. Pratomir arrived, very out of breath, panting hard. He caught sight of Legobrix's blonde hair and ran forwards.

"There you are, you little cupcake!"

Legobrix whimpered, "Help me..." before he was knocked to the floor with Pratomir on top of him.

Blandalf lifted him off. "For goodness sake, man, pull yourself together!"

Varagorn helped Legobrix to his feet.

"Er... you've got something on your face," Legobrix pointed out.

"Yes. I know." Varagorn nodded.

Pratomir took several deep breaths. "I – I'm terribly sorry, Legobrix... I don't know what came over me."

"Yes, well." Legobrix still eyed him suspiciously.

"Is everyone ready?" asked Blandalf loudly. They nodded and there were a few murmurs of agreement. "Right, then..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Pratomir howled, frantically searching his pack.

"What ever is the matter?" asked Lodo.

"My – my mirror... it – it's gone," he sobbed. "I was going to get it out to check my hair but it's not there anymore!"

"Pratomir, it's here," said Varagorn, holding the mirror out to him. "I borrowed it to..."

"It's mine!" Pratomir roared, snatching it back and cradling it in his arms. "Mine I tell you! How dare you go through my stuff?! I'll kill you... I'll..."

"I – I only borrowed it... I was going to give it back..." Varagorn faltered, slightly taken aback. "Geez... talk about needing anger management," he muttered.

"Yeees... that's what they all say," Pratomir muttered, gathering his things closer to himself, crouched on the floor, "But then they don't... and you end up with nought but a broken eyeliner... One broken eyeliner that isn't even the right colour!!!" he snarled.

Whilst Perry and Mippin tried to calm Pratomir down, Varagorn took Blandalf aside to talk to him. "Blandalf, are you sure it's wise to take him with us?" he asked, giving Pratomir a sidelong look.

He was now having to fight off Perry, who was trying to grab his nose. In the end, Perry settled with Mippin's.

Blandalf watched them too. "He might come in useful, Varagorn. Do not be too hasty to deal out judgement."

"But he's stark raving mad... he's a lunatic!" Varagorn protested. "Look what he did to Legobrix, a prince of the Shelves of Smirkwood." He pointed over at Legobrix who was huddled in a corner, wrapped in his cloak, still shaking. "And that Moppet, Perry. Are you sure we're safe while he's awake? We might be strangled in our sleep."

"I'm sure we won't, Varagorn. Anyway, we must leave soon or it will be too dark for us to begin our journey."  
  
So the Fellowship set off: Blandalf the Gay, Lodo Kaggins, Legobrix of Smirkwood, Imlig of the Mountain Frawds, Mippin Book, Perry Trandybuck, Pratomir, son of the Stew of Rondor, Gam Samgee and Varagorn, heir to the throne of Rondor.

Varagorn lay sprawled on a large rock, smoking, and watched Pratomir teach Perry and Mippin to swordfight.

"Move your feet," he instructed Perry.

Legobrix was exploring the sun-bleached rocks on which they were camped, jumping lightly from one to the next, occasionally stopping to look around. Blandalf was sitting near the fire, also smoking, and Gam was cooking a stew. Lodo sat with them and Imlig watched the Shelf make a difficult leap with distaste, sighing in disappointment when Legobrix did not fall to his death. They saw him freeze, looking up at the sky.

"What's that?" asked Lodo, pointing at a dark shape on the horizon.

"It's just a wisp of cloud," shrugged Imlig.

Pratomir had stopped what he was doing, also looking at the sky. "Cloud moving against the wind," he murmured, squinting up at it.

"Raveneye from Brownland!" Legobrix shouted, "Everyone hide!" He dropped underneath a rock and lay still. The others raced under bushes and other rocks. Gam poured water over the fire and took the pot of stew with him, burning his fingers, and jumped under a rock just in time. Many ravens flew overhead, cawing raucously, their wings flapping. Legobrix waited until they had gone before coming out and climbing back up to the others.

"What were they Blandalf?" asked Lodo, shoving Gam off, narrowly missing sending him rolling right off the edge.

"Spies of Paruman. The passage east is being watched."

"Then why don't we go through the gates to my city?" suggested Pratomir, flicking a strand of hair back behind his ear.

"It takes us too close to Isenbard," replied Blandalf, shaking his head. "Anyway, I don't want to be seen near a place that's nicknamed Randy Rondor, my reputation is already damaged enough, thank you very much."

Pratomir retorted, "That nickname was only given to us by Spastic Sohan..."

"I say we go through the Mines of Toria," said Imlig, cutting Pratomir short, "My cousin Darlin would give us a proper welcome."

"No, Imlig," Blandalf answered. For a moment he looked scared. "I would not go there if I had no other choice. We will go over the mountain Saradhras."

The Fellowship ploughed through the deep snow, all of them except Legobrix who could walk on top of it. Varagorn and Pratomir each took two Moppets, Pratomir bagged Perry and Mippin first so that Varagorn was landed with the two heaviest. Blandalf walked in front of Imlig, trying to dig a path with his staff.

"There's a fell voice on the air," remarked Legobrix.

"Paruman," Blandalf whispered. A bolt of lightning struck the snowy peak of Saradhras, creating an avalanche of snow that just missed them.

"He's trying to bring down the mountain!" shouted Varagorn over the wind, "Blandalf, we must turn back!"

"No!" Blandalf tried valiantly to carry on moving. Another bolt of lightning struck the mountain and snow fell on top of the Fellowship, burying them completely. Legobrix emerged first, then Gam and Lodo who had used Varagorn as a stepping-stone, then Blandalf and Pratomir, who dragged Perry and Mippin up with him. Varagorn came to the surface and lifted the spluttering and snarling Imlig up too.

"We go to my city!" Pratomir yelled, "This snow is ruining my hair and I can't stand it any more!"

"We should go under the mountain!" Imlig shouted again, "Through Toria!"

Blandalf looked from one to the other. He hesitated, but then said, "Let the Wing-bearer decide."

"We shall go through Toria!" Lodo replied.

"So be it," sighed Blandalf. "Memo to self," he muttered, "Never let that Moppet decide anything else for me again."

Paruman sat in the tall, black tower of Corwank, flicking through a large book, in his pink pyjamas, pink fluffy bunny slippers and blue dressing gown decorated with little fluffy sheep. His beard was in a hairnet and he had a mug of hot chocolate at his right hand. "So, Blandalf. You will go through Toria. You know what horrors lie within... you know what the Frawds awoke in the shadows; they delved too greedily and too deep..." The door burst open and two Horks entered; Paruman immediately replaced the book he had been reading (The Tweenies – My First ABC) with The Dorling Kindersley Complete Encyclopaedia of Centre World.

"What orders from Hordor, my lord?" asked one, deciding to keep the matter of Paruman's pyjamas to itself.

"Don't come too close... I don't want your slime on my dressing gown," snapped Paruman, drawing his clothes around him. "Uproot the trees."

"We are trying, their roots go deep."

"Rip them all down," Paruman said, turning back to his book. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to do some bedtime reading." The Horks bowed and left, muttering to eachother and chuckling.

Blandalf gathered the Fellowship around him as he found the opening to Toria. It was an ancient engraving on the large cliff-face. "Ahh. A simple Frawd's riddle. It says 'To enter the mines of Toria speak friend and enter.' I think I can handle this!" said Blandalf triumphantly.

They were there for several hours.

Lodo looked up at the great riddle and found that what Blandalf had been saying was rubbish, in fact he wasn't even speaking Frawdish. Lodo uttered the password, friend, in Frawdish and the doors opened.

Blandalf jumped with joy. "SEE! I knew I would get it, clever as I am. I think I know why Blizzards are stated above Moppets on the national IQ board."

"Um, Blandalf?"

"Yes, Lodo, or shall I say Bonjour Lodo? I am showing you my extensive vocabulary range here, but of course, poor, deluded you wouldn't understand what I am saying. I said 'hello Lodo' in French! Do you know what French is? Probably not, you never travelled through time, did you. And you're probably not ever going to, as you will probably die on this trip... Can you understand me?"

"Blandalf I opened the door," said Lodo, sighing at the Blizzard's ignorance.

"Doesn't know what he's saying, poor old Moppet... Go in shall we? But we wouldn't be able to go in if _I_ hadn't opened the door by using _my_ extensive language range! Shall we?" They followed him inside.  
  
"This is the grand entrance to Toria, and they call it a mine... a mine!" laughed Imlig.

"Er... Imlig," said Varagorn, tapping the Frawd on the shoulder, "That would be because it is a mine."

"Shut up," grumbled the Frawd in reply, somewhat disgruntled. They moved further in, the light on Blandalf's staff showing them the way. The light passed over a decomposing mess of Frawd and Hork bodies, swords, axes bows and arrows strewn everywhere.

"This is no mine," Pratomir breathed in horror, "It's a tomb!" There was a loud crunch as he stepped quickly backwards, unfortunately onto a Hork skull. He yelped in fear and clutched at Varagorn's sleeve, taking some of the fabric in between his teeth, but then he spat it out again because it tasted of sweat.

"Quick, get out of the mines!" shouted Blandalf, having looked around for himself.

"Er, Varagorn," said the extremely slow Gam, "Er, um, look... Lodo can fly!"

"MY GOD! HE CAN FLY??" Pratomir exclaimed, looking wildly around.

"Flying?" Varagorn said, but as soon as Gam's arm pointed to a large slimy tentacle wrapped around Lodo, waving him in the air, Varagorn realised what Gam meant. "LEGOBRIX! Kill it!" Varagorn ordered. As he took a step backwards to get a better look at the creature, he felt a large, quivering shape behind him.

"Varagorn save me!!" Pratomir whimpered, clinging to him. "It might take my hairbrush!" Varagorn pushed Pratomir off him and he collapsed in a heap on the ground. Varagorn went to join in with the scuffle, slashing at the tentacles with his sword.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Lodo screamed as he was swung to the left. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed as he was swung to the right, "VARAGORN, SAVE ME!"

"I'm coming Lodo!" Varagorn said, whilst stabbing at the tentacles and pulling not so flattering faces. Legobrix shot an arrow straight into the heart of the beast, causing it to drop Lodo and retreat back into the lake.

"Quick, get back in to the mines!" shouted Blandalf, waving them on enthusiastically. The many tentacles sprang up once more and ripped the doors to the mines clean off. "Run in, I will hold it off, being that intelligent me!"

Varagorn pulled him into the mines just as the creature cornered him and the wall of the mine collapsed in an avalanche, blocking the entrance.

"What are you doing? I was just about to finish him off!"

"Of course you were, Blandalf."

The Blizzard lit the end of his staff again and led them into the mines of Toria.

Down in the deep pits of Isenbard, Paruman watched his new and improved Urk- Hors being dug from the slime encasing them. He had been fetched straight from his room as he had asked, so he was wearing his white cloak over his pyjamas and still had his pink fluffy bunny slippers on. The first Urk to be dug out was Burpz.

"Stand him up!" he ordered.

"Yes my lord, but his roots go deep."

"What?" Paruman snapped.

"He said its roots go deep," said another.

"Yes, I know what he said, idiot!" Paruman rolled his eyes.

"But...."

"HIYA!" Paruman broke the Hork's neck with his karate moves and it fell to the ground. The other began frantically digging at the slime again.

"Blandalf, I have a bad feeling about this," Legobrix murmured, scanning the room they had stopped in.

"Oh Imlig, stop moaning!" ordered Lodo, who was standing next to the Frawd, who was sitting next to the grave of his dead cousin.

"Oh Darlin! Darlin!" sobbed the Frawd.

"You called your cousin darling?" said Pratomir, making an innocent enough mistake. "I call my cousins darling too! We have so much in common!" He did a little hop on the spot and clapped his hands in delight.

"Now I know why they called him Pratomir," muttered Varagorn, rolling his eyes. Blandalf, meanwhile, was sitting on a rock, poring over a dilapidated, old book. As he opened it, some pages fell out and it was covered in bloodstains. He had given his pointy hat and staff to Mippin, who was running away from Perry, who was at the moment trying to grab his bum. Lodo leant over Blandalf's shoulder to read it with him and Gam watched Perry and Mippin weave their way in and out of the other Fellowship members, Mippin occasionally letting out a little squeak when Perry achieved his goal. Varagorn and Pratomir had got into another argument and Imlig had now joined in by kicking Pratomir in the shins every so often. Legobrix was still standing warily by the door, glancing at Blandalf for instructions. But he was too busy looking at the Frawds' diary, for that was what the book was. Blandalf read:

_ They have taken the Twelfth Hall; each day grows darker.  
Here shall be the last stand of Frawds for the recapture of Toria.  
We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long.  
Drums, drums in the deep... We cannot get out... We cannot get out...  
  
They are coming... Very soon_  
  
Just as he had read the last phrase, there came a sudden outburst from the argument in the corner.

"I did not call my cousin darling!" roared Imlig. "His name was Darlin, you fool!"

"Are you calling me a fool?" asked Pratomir, looking down his nose disdainfully at Imlig. He turned to Varagorn. "A Frawd is calling me a fool!"

Varagorn tried to stop himself from punching Pratomir in the face but couldn't, and sent him flying into Legobrix who pushed him away in disgust straight at Imlig, who leapt up and bit the only part of Pratomir he could reach – his balls. Pratomir let out an enormously loud scream of pain that went on for at least five minutes with Imlig still hanging by his teeth from Pratomir's private parts. The sound could be heard echoing around the Mines for what seemed an age afterwards. The Fellowship froze, holding their breath, including Perry, which was miraculous, and listened hard for signs that anything had heard Pratomir. After a few minutes they relaxed and there were a few sighs of relief and nervous laughs around the group. Blandalf's bushy eyebrows drew together in a frown and he shook his head. Varagorn distracted them by searching in his pack and bringing out a packet of something the rest of them, except Blandalf, had never seen before. It made a squeaky, rustling noise as he opened it and the others turned sharply around.

"Thinly-sliced-fried-potato-with-salt anyone?" he offered, taking one himself and eating it with a loud crunch. "I made them myself." They all watched him curiously. "They're quite nice." He looked around at them all, searching for the one person he knew would never pass up the chance to eat. "Gam... try one."

The Moppet took one from the bag hesitantly and put it into his mouth, swallowing it instantly. They watched him with pained expressions on their faces as they saw it travel down his throat.

"I don't think I like those much," Gam said hoarsely.

"That's because you're meant to chew it," Varagorn sighed. "I'll just have to eat them all myself then."

"N-no wait!" Mippin ran forwards, followed by Lodo and Perry. Varagorn concealed a smile. Moppets will never stop eating if given the chance.

"They're very crispy," said Mippin, having just bitten the corner off one.

"Very nice," complimented Lodo, "But I do think you need just a little more salt to make that..." He didn't finish his sentence, for Perry had just knocked him over in an attempt to grab the bag from Varagorn's hands. Varagorn managed to hold him off and Pratomir took one.

"Eurgh!" He spat it out. "Full of fat! I can just feel it clogging up my arteries!"

"I'll have one, if you don't mind," said Blandalf, leaning over. "Perfect," he said with his mouth full, crumbs flying everywhere.

"What about me?" asked Imlig indignantly. He ate one and laughed. "We have something like this only thicker in the Mountain. We call them Chipz, after the Frawd who invented them."

"Legobrix?" Varagorn walked over to him. The Shelf eyed the thinly-sliced-fried-potatoes-with-salt suspiciously. He took one and ate it, swallowing with a distrusting look on his face. After a few seconds his expression changed completely. He started jumping around.

"I love those things!" he exclaimed. "They make me feel lighter than I already am... it's almost as if I have wings!"

Blandalf watched him dance around the chamber they were in, laughing almost crazily, for a few seconds before saying, "No more for Legobrix, I think."

"I didn't realize they would have that effect on Shelves."

"You should re-name them," said Lodo. "The name's too long."

"What about hyper-fried-potatoes?" suggested Legobrix as he skipped past. "They're fried potatoes and they make you hyper."

"No... you want something short and snappy, something new, something clean and crisp," said Lodo, clicking his fingers.

"Crisps!" Mippin burst out.

"I like it." Lodo nodded.

"Crisps it is then," said Varagorn.

"Wait, what's that noise?" asked Mippin.

"What noise?" asked Varagorn, stuffing the bag of crisps into his pocket. "Legobrix, be quiet!"

"That noise," said Blandalf as a booming sound came from somewhere underneath them and another one sounded from over their heads as if in answer.

"I know what that is," said Legobrix, smiling smugly.

"What is it?" asked Lodo.

The Shelf giggled. "I'm not going to tell you." He began to dance around the room again, chanting at the top of his voice, "I know something you don't know! I know something you don't know!"

"Somebody slap him," said Blandalf, glancing around as the sounds got louder.

"With pleasure," Varagorn replied, giving the Shelf a sharp slap around the face. Legobrix staggered a few paces backwards, returning to his normal self.

"Ow! What was that for?" he asked.

"Sorry, but you were being a bit annoying," Varagorn apologized. The booming sound made itself heard again and Legobrix looked swiftly around. This time, snarling and war cries came after it, accompanied by many running, armour clad feet.

"Horks!" Legobrix shouted, "And what sounds like..." The rest of his sentence was cut off by a loud scratching and scraping noise, then a monstrous roar.

Pratomir ran as fast as he could, in great pain, to the doors. "They have a Mine Mole!"

Lodo drew Ping; it was glowing pink. He thumped it on the ground and the light flickered into blue. "This sword's a bit dodgy," he thought, watching Varagorn and Pratomir shut the doors, bracing them with the old Frawdish axes that littered the floor.

"Stay close to Blandalf," Varagorn ordered the Moppets. They all gathered round Blandalf, apart from Lodo who refused to take orders. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The doors were breaking and two huge cracks had appeared down in the middle of the two. A Hork head peered though one of the gaps, Legobrix let loose an arrow that went through the eyeball of the Hork and out the other side, causing the Hork's brain to attach with the brain of the Hork behind him and making it rather painful to move. And then the doors were breached. Through them came the largest, most disgusting creature Lodo had ever seen, apart from Gam, but he was larger in a different way.

Pratomir screamed, "MINE MOLE!" and then fainted.

Blandalf put out his arms to shield the moppets behind him but the Moppets only peered around Blandalf's middle anyway, Legobrix focused his arrows on the mole's neck and head, Imlig started slicing though the endless tide of Horks with his axe, Varagorn was trying to revive Pratomir whilst defending him, Lodo ran towards Blandalf screaming like a girl and Pratomir just lay still in a faint.

A Hork crept up behind Varagorn, who was very busy defending Pratomir, who kept whimpering, and stole his crisps.

Gam yelled, "Oy! How dare you steal Walker's Crisps! I'll kill you!" [And so the name was invented.] He charged at the Hork, snarling ferociously.

"Gam, no!" Lodo cried, fearing that Gam's eyes may be impaled on the Hork's sword, and Lodo did not like gore. But Gam, however, was not hurt, unless you count running into the wall when the Hork dodged and being knocked out for the rest of the fight. Lodo's eyes were suddenly distracted from the heap on the floor, which was Gam, to the Mine Mole that was advancing on him. The other Moppets had run away, Blandalf was chasing after the Hork who had stolen his beard, Varagorn was trying to wrestle his crisps out of the Hork's grasp and Pratomir was hidden underneath his shield, which was propped against the wall in the corner.

"AHRA!" yelled Lodo in terror. "HELP ME!"

Legobrix advanced towards the advancing Mine Mole and tried to shoot it in the head... the arrow only just penetrated its thick skin and the Shelf was swept out of the way by its large paw.

"NO! Legobrix, help me!" shouted Lodo. "In case you hadn't noticed, there is a large Mole coming towards me and at this precise moment in time there is no one here to help me except you, so can you please hurry up and rescue me from this foul beast!" he ordered. Legobrix fitted two arrows to his bowstring, and running up as close as he could to the Mole without getting flattened, he loosed them into the creature's chest. It roared with rage and some pain and swiped at Legobrix again. He jumped backwards but the Mole caught Legobrix's bow on the end of one of its long, pointed claws and swallowed it whole. The Shelf yelled and ran straight at the Mine Mole, drawing his two knives as he did so, and started hacking ruthlessly at its legs, but it just swept the Shelf up in one of its gigantic paws and shoved him into its mouth.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" howled Varagorn, sinking to his knees and immediately being mobbed by several Horks, who took all of his clothes, save his underwear.

The Horks of Toria were notoriously well known for, quite literally, taking the clothes off your back.

Pratomir edged out from behind his shield. "Oh, that can't be good for oneself," he said, watching the Mole swallow Legobrix whole.

"My God," Lodo murmured. "And to think... that could have been me!"

"It's always you isn't it!" yelled Varagorn. "I've had it with you Moppets!" he roared, "There's you... arrogant and selfish; then Perry, who, frankly, is a lunatic; then Mippin, who... all right, there's nothing particularly wrong with him, but then there's Gam..."

The fat Moppet wandered over to them. "Sorry... what's going on?" he asked, blinking stupidly.

Varagorn screamed and started jumping around, swearing and cursing. Seeing a grown man do this in nothing but his undies was quite disturbing, and the other Fellowship members watched him with expressions of mingled fear and disgust.

"Poor man," Blandalf sighed. "I always thought he was a bit too close to the edge."

"What about the Mole?" asked Mippin, staring at it in amazement. While they had been talking, it and every Hork in the room had miraculously frozen in place so that they weren't interrupted. Noticing that they had stopped talking, the creatures began to unfreeze.

"AAAAAAAAARGH!" Varagorn snatched up his sword from the ground where the Horks had left it and charged at the Mole. "FOR LEGOBRIX!"

The Mole looked up in terror, quite intimidated by the man running towards it in his underpants, sword held in two hands. But the Mole's thick hide deflected the sword and Varagorn bounced off it. A Hork leapt forwards and stripped him of his underpants, running off with them.

"Come on, come on... kill it!" ordered Lodo, "It can't be that hard?"

"SHUT UP!" yelled everyone.

The Mole suddenly gave a grunt of surprise, and then two, razor sharp, Shelvish knives slashed through its stomach, splattering everyone with bluish-black goo. Legobrix dropped lightly to the ground, landing like a cat on his feet, and immediately stabbed two Horks that were on either side of him, killing them instantly. Seeing that the Shelf was back and their Mine Mole was dead, the rest of the Horks fled. Legobrix spat out a mouthful of the bluish-black goo and attempted to wipe some of the rest off his clothes.

"Legobrix! What happened?" asked Varagorn.

"I had to get my bow back," he replied coolly. Then he realised something. "Varagorn, why aren't you wearing anything?"

"Ah... er... yes," Varagorn faltered.

"Did the Horks steal your clothes?"

"No, I decided to become a naturalist," he said. "Of course they stole my clothes!"

Blandalf interrupted them. "We don't have time to argue... we have to get out of these mines."

They were about to leave when Varagorn said, "Can somebody at least lend me some shoes and underwear?"

"Here." Legobrix took out his spare pair of shoes. "But I doubt my underwear would fit you... you're a little bit tubby, my friend. Try Pratomir's."

"Excuse me?" said Pratomir indignantly.

But the only underwear that would fit Varagorn was Blandalf's extra-large pair. Pratomir was forced to lend him some clothes, and after that they carried on with their journey.

The Fellowship ran as fast as they could through the Frawdish halls, being followed by Horks all the way. Suddenly they surrounded them, all squawking in delight. They could easily spot the one that had stolen Varagorn's pants, as it was now wearing them on its head. Legobrix fitted an arrow and readied himself for a fight, Varagorn drew his sword, Imlig raised his axe, the four Moppets drew their knives, Blandalf stood ready with his staff and Pratomir held his shield in front of himself, shaking uncontrollably. But then there was some kind of roar and the Horks scattered instantly. A red light lit the far end of the hall and a crackling could be heard, as if of flames.

"W-what is th-this new devilry?" stammered Pratomir, glancing at Blandalf.

"Oh no," he sighed. "I forgot... it's Ralbog. I knew him a long time ago and we had a short relationship but I left him for Paruman and he swore to kill me and anyone with me if he ever saw me again. This foe is beyond any of you, except maybe Legobrix... RUN!"

The Fellowship took off at once. Pratomir was in the lead, screaming, and Legobrix came shortly after him, because he wasn't mad with fear.

"You've been about a bit, haven't you Blandalf?" said Varagorn, running beside the Blizzard. "I mean, Paruman? What were you thinking?"

"I know... but I don't suppose you know anyone who would like to...?"

"No, Blandalf," Varagorn answered firmly, cutting him short.

"It was only an idea," he shrugged.

They skidded to a halt at the edge of a very long, very steep stone staircase that twisted sharply to the right. Legobrix pulled Pratomir away from the edge just as he overbalanced and almost fell in to the long darkness below them.

"Down the stairs!" shouted Blandalf, leading the way. Halfway down, however, they came to a gap in the stairs. Legobrix jumped easily across.

"Blandalf!" he called.

The Blizzard jumped and fell into Legobrix, knocking him backwards and sending him falling down five or six steps. Pratomir took hold of Perry and Mippin and leapt across with one under each arm, probably the bravest thing he'd done since they met him. But the steps crumbled under his feet just after he'd jumped, making an even bigger gap for Imlig, Gam, Lodo and Varagorn. He landed safely, but unfortunately, Perry grabbed Legobrix's neck as he flew past him, dragging him to the ground and trying to throttle him. Legobrix managed to push him off and stood up, rubbing his throat.

"Gam," said Varagorn, taking hold of the Moppet. It took all of his strength, but he somehow managed to throw Gam across to Legobrix. Gam weighed so much that he smashed into the Shelf and they both rolled down about fifteen steps.

Staggering back up to the top again, Legobrix said, "Will you please stop throwing things at me! One near death experience per day is quite enough, thank you!" He moved to the other side as Imlig jumped, grabbing his beard as he overbalanced and pulling him away from the edge.

"Unhand my beard, you rogue... you fiend!" yelled the Frawd, punching Legobrix in the face and sending him back down the stairs. Legobrix fell so far down that he vanished from sight.

"You killed him!" accused Varagorn. "I'll kill you! Just wait 'til I get over there... I'll give you such a smack in the head you won't remember who you are!" Varagorn threw Lodo over to the other side of the steps, which used all of his impressive strength, and then jumped over on top of Imlig, grabbing him by the collar and attempting to bash his head on the ground.

"Now, now, Varagorn," said Blandalf, raising his eyebrows.

"Ahh, yes," said Varagorn in an unusually high voice. But after Blandalf had turned away he turned back to Imlig and drew his finger across his throat threateningly. Imlig gulped loudly and grabbed Lodo in front of him as a shield.

"So, what are we waiting for?" Legobrix suddenly appeared, smiling.

"You're alive! I mean, well, that's nice," said Varagorn a stupid grin spreading across his face.

"Weird," whispered Mippin to Perry. Perry nodded and jumped on Blandalf's back, grabbing him around the neck extremely hard.

"GLEURGH!" exclaimed Blandalf, which is about the only thing anyone can say when being strangled by a Moppet, "Cut his hands off, Varagorn! NOW! Loosing air, wind pipe obstructed, oxygen levels depleating!"

"Varagorn, do something!" yelled Lodo, who was standing right next to Blandalf.

"I can't!" he roared back. "I'm talking to Legobrix at this precise moment, can't you see we are busy! You idiot!"

"I'll have to do it myself," said Lodo. Everyone stared at him in amazement. "Well go on Gam, what are you waiting for?"

"Oh, right. Always leave it to poor old Gam," Gam mumbled, "can't even chew his own food... no, Gam has to do that for him, stuck up little half brained..."

"Well hurry up!" ordered Lodo as Blandalf collapsed beside him, turning slightly blue in the face.

"Alright I'm going!" Gam reached down to Blandalf's writhing body on the floor and dragged Perry away. "Come on then, Master Trandybuck. There's no need to struggle, we'll only get you off anyway."

"NO! NO!" screamed Perry, who was squirming on the floor.

Gam reached for the medical bag and took out the syringe they kept in there for emergencies. Then he injected twenty millilitres of sedative into Perry's neck. "There we go, sleeping like a baby," said Gam, who was smiling contently. "Now just to move him." He looked around the Fellowship expectantly. They all turned away, apart from Pratomir, and Gam looked up at him.

"What? No, of course I'm not carrying that lump – I might break my back, or worse, a nail!" said Pratomir dramatically.

"I guess I'll have to do it myself then," said Gam. There was a small pause when he made some rather crude grunting noises and then finally got Perry on his back. "Lets go!"

"Hurry up! Or have you forgotten that there are loads of Horks shooting at you and a Ralbog chasing us?" called back Legobrix, who was already at the bottom of the staircase.

"Excuse me, but his name is Ralbog, and he is certainly not a Ralbog. He is a Dalrog, for your information," said Blandalf indignantly.

"We need to move on," urged Varagorn, running down the steps.

Mippin went after him, Imlig close behind; then came Pratomir, Lodo, Blandalf and finally Gam, staggering under the weight of Perry.  
  
Soon they reached an incredibly thin bridge that they could only cross in single file. Varagorn went first and the others followed him, apart from Blandalf who had needed to stop for a breather.

"Blandalf the Gay!" roared a terrible voice.

The Blizzard froze and looked slowly upwards. Towering over him was a massive figure wreathed in flame (funny, isn't it, how nearly all the evil things in this story are 'wreathed in flame').

"Did I not swear to kill you if ever I laid eyes on you again?"

"R-Ralbog, hi..." Blandalf laughed nervously. "I've been meaning to call you."

"I ought to squish you like an ant!" The creature lowered its flaming eyebrows in a frown and stamped its foot, making the whole place shake, to illustrate its point.

"N-now see here," Blandalf stammered, starting to back slowly away. "I – I told you..."

"It was a joke!" Ralbog made a sound like rocks being crunched up, apparently laughter. Taking them all by surprise, he picked Blandalf up and gave him a kiss on the cheek, singing his beard. "You really believed that, muffin?" He turned around and stomped off, back into his cave, talking to Blandalf. "Tell me everything that's happened since you left... I've really missed you, you know..." The rest of the Fellowship watched in amazement as their guide disappeared into the dark without them.

"Blandalf?" shouted Varagorn.

"BLAAANDAAALF!" screamed Lodo.

There was no reply.

"So that's it," Legobrix said furiously. "He's just going to leave us here with no light and no directions..."

"And no food!" exclaimed Gam, suddenly realising that Blandalf had been carrying the pack with all of their food in it.

"Well that's just charming!" Pratomir called after the Blizzard. "No food, no water, no nothing..." He sank to the ground, breaking down into tears. "He's left us to die."

"Hey..." Varagorn knelt down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders to everyone's surprise. "We can go to the forests of Lost Dorian and get some supplies there. I'm sure Celery and Gladtohelp will be more than welcoming to us."

Imlig gasped in what was unmistakably terror. "Celery...? Gladtohelp...? Lost Dorian...?"

Legobrix turned to face him.

"You know them?" Imlig gulped.

The Shelf nodded. "They happen to be friends of the family. He's an avaricious old nutter, Celery, and Gladtohelp needs desperately to seek mental help. She tries to be nice, really she does, but the last time I saw them I narrowly escaped having my ears cut off, because, apparently, they're too pointy; and my hair was almost set on fire, because it 'needed a trim'; and my horse was nearly slaughtered for meat. So Varagorn, can we please go somewhere else to ask for food?"

"No, no, no," Varagorn shook his head, smiling, "You misunderstood me. I never said we were going to _ask_ for food, did I? Listen, what we're going to do is this..."

"Entering phase one," whispered Varagorn to the others. [Cue 'Mission Impossible' theme tune] They were lying flat on a grassy bank that came just before the forest of Lost Dorian and were about to pull off Varagorn's plan. "Moppets, take your positions now."

The forest of Lost Dorian is named that because a Frawd named Dorian wandered in there one day and never came out again. He's still thought to be in there, kept by Gladtohelp for purposes that you'd probably prefer not to know. Frawds use this tale as a means to scare others away from Shelves; this is probably why Imlig is not very fond of Legobrix.

The three Moppets that were awake dragged Perry into full view of the forest, or rather Gam and Mippin did so whilst Lodo walked after them, and started bawling as hard and as loud as they could. After a few moments, two Shelf sentinels emerged from the trees, where Legobrix had told Varagorn they would be, and started to try and comfort them.

"Beginning phase two. Legobrix... good luck." Varagorn put a hand on the Shelf's shoulder before letting go and watching him silently disappear into the forest.

Legobrix had the most dangerous job of all – finding water and filling up the Fellowship's nine water bottles. The only drinkable water in Lost Dorian was in a fountain that stood right in the middle of Lady Gladtohelp and Lord Celery's courtyard, making it almost impossible for anyone to get any water without their say so. Celery had introduced this law to save money, even though he and his wife were the richest Shelves in Centre World (which, believe me, is saying something).

"You do realise that we may never see him again?" Pratomir whispered to Varagorn.

He nodded slowly. "Phase three," Varagorn reported. "Pratomir... Imlig... you know what to do. I'll cover you. Go, go, go!" Drawing his sword, Varagorn led them into the forest. Their mission was to find food.  
  
"Come on, Imlig," whispered Pratomir, looking back at the Frawd, who was a good five metres behind him and Varagorn.

"I'm coming," grunted Imlig whilst puffing slowly.

Varagorn dropped behind and the huge trees seemed to grow every second. He was finding it hard to keep his eyes on the two in front of him.

"Imlig, hurry up!"

"Don't you order me about!"

"Stop shouting!"

"I will not be ordered about by a vain twerp! Ooo, look at me... I'm Pratomir!" Imlig was hopping around, putting on a silly, high voice. "With my make up and my hair straighteners. Oh no, there are no plugs! Oh, I'm going to die!" Imlig did a theatrical swoon and fell over in the leaves.

"Oh, come on, I'm not like that. Anyway, one does have to look his best," Pratomir moaned. As Imlig didn't stop, he started to cry.

"Oh look what I've done, I'll have to redo my mascara now!" Imlig carried on with his impression.

Pratomir started to jump about on the spot, bawling like a five-year-old. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"

"Oh, SHUT UP!" Imlig roared.

This was exactly the wrong thing to do, and suddenly five or six Shelves ran towards them, their bows raised and arrows fitted.

"Now look what you've done!" growled Imlig.

"ME?" Pratomir exclaimed indignantly.

The Shelves pulled back their bowstrings threateningly and Pratomir flung himself down at their feet.

"NO! Don't kill me... I beg you... please! I'll tell you everything..."

"Send messengers to all of the sentries. Tell them to look out for a man in his thirties brandishing a sword. Then go and make posters for the city, they must say 'Look out for a man in his late thirties. He is brandishing a sword and must not be approached, he is highly dangerous. If seen, report the sighting to your nearest Nam-ecilop'. Understand?" said what seemed to be the most important Shelf in the group.

Two of the others nodded and jogged quickly out of sight.

"You two will go to the guards who are looking after the Semi-things," the Shelf continued. "If they are holding an extremely fat one, a very bossy one, a very ugly one that keeps grabbing things and a small one who doesn't understand anything then you must tell them to bring them to Lord Celery. Then inform Lord Celery that there is a Smirkwood Shelf rooting around in his Special Garden."

Two more Shelves departed.

"Look what you've got us into!" accused Imlig.

He and Pratomir were tied back to back in the same straight jackets Imlig had suffered at Elrondville.

"I never did anything!" whispered back Pratomir.

"Oh really?" whispered Imlig sarcastically. "Look, when we were back at Elrondville, I worked out how to escape from these things... you have to pull and push into the chest."

"I can't do that."

"I never said that we could do it I just said that is how you would escape if you could."

"Oy! Get you're groping fingers out of there!" yelled Pratomir at the chief Shelf who had tipped the contents of his makeup bag onto the ground and was now examining it...

"Hold it right there," said a voice to Varagorn's left.

He wheeled around to see three Shelves pointing their razor sharp arrows at his head. One of them he recognised.

"Reindeer, my friend!" He smiled, walking towards the Shelf that had used to be his friend.

"Take one more step forwards and your brains will be spattered all over the ground, friend," said Reindeer coldly. "You do not have permission to be in this forest. I'm placing you under arrest." Varagorn let them tie him up and went quietly...

About to put the last full water bottle into his pack, Legobrix froze. He'd thought he'd heard something. In a flash, he whipped out his bow and fitted an arrow, his blue eyes scanning the area.

"Drop it," a Shelf ordered.

Legobrix drew back the string, seeing that this Shelf was unarmed, but twelve more Shelves emerged from the bushes, this time armed. Already, Legobrix's mind began to formulate a plan. Taking the others by surprise, he dived to the right and grabbed one of them in front of him.

"Hold your fire!" ordered the Shelf in charge.

For a brief second, Legobrix thought his plan had worked, but that was before twenty more Shelves came running towards him from behind...

"Legobrix!" Varagorn yelled as the Shelves of Lost Dorian brought the Smirkwood Shelf in. He was unconscious, in a straight jacket, tied up and gagged – the maximum-security level – but most of the other Shelves that had brought him in looked worse off. They were covered in bruises and some were limping, their hair was disarrayed, bits of leaves and twigs having got caught in it. 

"We – we got him, my Lord," said the chief Shelf, swaying slightly and almost falling over. "It was a tough struggle but we did it. He was carrying these and filling them up in your Special Garden." He dropped the nine water bottles on the ground at Lord Celery's feet. "He was also armed with this bow and these two knives."

Legobrix slowly opened his eyes and attempted to sit up, letting out a muffled "Mmf!" when he saw Celery standing in front of him and the other members of the Fellowship. He desperately tried to free himself from the straight jacket but three Lost Dorian Shelves held him down. Legobrix head butted one in the face, causing him to yell in pain, and kicked another in the stomach, sending him flying into the third.

Celery reached for the panic button underneath his desk and pushed it.

Inspired by Legobrix's fight for freedom, the Moppets leapt down on the floor to where the chief Shelf had dropped Legobrix's knives and sliced through the rope tying their wrists and ankles. Mippin snatched one knife up from the floor and Perry, who was by this time awake, grabbed the other. Perry ran around, wildly waving the knife over his head. Mippin had enough sense to slash through the rope and straight jacket that bound Legobrix. The Shelf dived for his bow and shot an arrow, pinning Lord Celery to the wall by his long robes. Then he took his knife away from Perry and freed Imlig, who was nearest, then Varagorn, and finally Pratomir who was watching everyone fighting and flying across the room in terror.

"Come on, let's go!" Legobrix shouted, flinging open the door. Fifty Lost Dorian Shelves ran in, cornering the Fellowship.

"The game ends here," said the chief, rubbing his nose and staggering to his feet.

Legobrix stood at the front of the group of nine companions, still holding his bow.

"Just give yourself up," begged the chief, near to tears, "please?"

"You'll never take us alive!" yelled Legobrix, taking both knives and positioning himself ready for a fight.

"Speak for yourself," moaned Pratomir, counting their adversaries. "I give in! I give in! Please don't kill me! I don't know this lunatic! He doesn't speak for me!"

Legobrix angrily sheathed his knives. "Why do you always have to be so wimpy!?"

The chief Shelf pulled out Legobrix's arrow from Lord Celery's robes, allowing him to get free.

"So you thought that you could just waltz in here and steal our water, did you?" Celery peered down at the Fellowship.

They nodded.

"Well shame on you! I hope you've learnt your lesson, especially you, Legobrix, who should know better, being a Shelf. Take them to the border of Lost Dorian and give them each a complimentary mint."

"That's it?" asked a disbelieving Varagorn, holding out his hand to receive a small mint-chocolate that had the letters LD embossed on it. He put it in his pocket 'for later', because he didn't really like mints.

Gladtohelp emerged from behind her husband, making a few of them jump. "Well, we don't believe in capital punishment here, but if we did, you would all get it. But, as we don't, you are free to go. Oh, and tell all of your friends about your wonderful visit to Lost Dorian, we're not getting enough business these days. The gift shop is downstairs to your left on your way out," she said. "Legobrix," she called as the Shelf made to leave.

He looked back.

"We'll be writing to mummy and daddy to tell them what you did."

He went red. "Yes, Auntie Gladtohelp."

"Mummy and daddy?" repeated Pratomir incredulously, trying hard not to laugh. "Mummy and daddy?" he giggled. "Oh, come on... even I call my parents mum and dad."

"Shut it, fatso," Legobrix growled, going an even darker shade of red.

The Fellowship left, but made sure to visit the gift shop. Lodo bought the everlasting light of a star, Gam bought some seeds to plant and the others, apart from Pratomir who didn't want one and Legobrix who already had one, all settled for cloaks that could make you invisible to evil things. Lodo and Gam got jealous and bought a cloak each as well. Imlig then decided that he didn't want the cloak because of its pale green colour and bought two boats instead. Legobrix and Pratomir pitched in on a third. The others except Legobrix and Pratomir had left when Pratomir suddenly saw something that made his eyes light up.

"Look, over there in the big case." His stomach did a back flip as he stared at the glorious object. "Legobrix, it's a Rimmel lipstick, the most colourful thing invented! It even stays on your lips after four hours of hard work! Isn't it just amazing?" Pratomir went over to the store clerk. "How much for that marvel of dermatological engineering?" he asked, pointing to it.

"I'm afraid it's not for sale," said the clerk slimily, eying Pratomir with much distaste.

He was wearing smart, black trousers and shoes, a grey waistcoat, a white shirt with a black bow tie and a gold chain dangled from his waistcoat pocket. His long, gold hair was tied back in a ponytail, controversial to most of the other Shelves Pratomir had seen. Then he gasped, taking out a pair of pince-nez from the inside pocket of his waistcoat and polishing them before putting them on.

"WAIT! Is that an original oak and pine, hand crafted, steel plated Rondorian shield, per chance?"

Pratomir nodded. He looked at the Shelf as though he was mad. "Yeah, I've had this since, um, I stole it from my little brother, Funkomir."

"I'll give you the lipstick and a special goody bag for it!" bargained the Shelf quickly.

"Yeah, cool!" Pratomir started nodding energetically like a puppy wagging its tail.

The Shelf took Pratomir's shield and then went over to the glass case, removed the lipstick and replaced it with his new prize possession. "Here you go... Would you like it gift wrapped?"

"No, I'm okay, thanks."

"Bye then."

"Wait, my receipt!"

"Ah, yes." The Shelf handed over the small piece of paper and smiled broadly. "Bye, thank you for visiting the Lost Dorian gift shop, have a nice day."

Pratomir prepared to go and show the others his new purchase, but Legobrix put out an arm to stop him.

"Pratomir are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes," he said firmly. "Now unhand me, you."

"I'm just not sure if you should have..."

"You want it for yourself!"

"No, I don't. Anyway, I wouldn't need it."

"Look, Legobrix, there is nothing to worry about. After all, it's not like I'm going to be shot by an incredibly ugly Urk-Hor three times, die and be sent down a waterfall in a boat! Is it? Ha! Ha, ha..." Pratomir started guffawing like a lunatic, laughing so hard that he fell against Legobrix.

"Well, you never know, do you," Legobrix said doubtfully. "Ouch, can you stop leaning on me, you're incredibly heavy!"

Pratomir let go of Legobrix's shoulder and then fell onto the floor and started hitting it, still laughing hysterically.

"Come on, you two – we need to leave," Varagorn called over to them. "Hey, Legobrix, what's up with Pratomir?" He pointed at the man rolling around on the floor, clutching at his sides.

"I'll tell you later," Legobrix sighed.

Paruman stood in the mines of Isenbard, watching his first army of Urk-Hors gather around him for their before-march pep talk.

"My Urks!" he yelled over the banging and crashing of machinery, the roaring of flames and the loud heavy-metal music that was playing in the background (Smash, Bash, Crash their Bones by The Killers).

They gave an enormous cheer.

"Hang on." Paruman turned to the Hork that stood next to him. "Could we do something about the noise?"

"We could, yes," said the Hork. Paruman watched it expectantly but it didn't move, doing some weird tribal dance in time to the music.

"Well do something, then!" he roared.

"Oh, right!" The Hork skittered off, and a few seconds later the machinery stopped, the fires were put out and the music was turned off. Paruman went back to giving his speech.

"Who do you serve?"

"PAURON!!" came an almighty roar from the crowd.

"NO! NO! _NO_!" moaned Paruman, thumping his staff on the ground and stamping his foot, generally throwing a little Blizzard tantrum. "You serve _me_! _I_ serve Pauron, not _you_!" He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm down. "Let's try again... Who do you serve?"

"PAUR... er, PARUMAN!!" came the reply.

"Better!" he praised, with the air of a teacher talking to a bunch of three-year-olds, "Much better! You know no fear! You know no pain! You will taste man flesh! Now go and bring me those Semi-things, alive... Kill the others!"

"Come on, Pratomir, row faster!" came the ordering shouts of Lodo. "I mean, honestly! Now, come on, you don't want me to get dirty do you?"

The Fellowship was split up into three groups: Pratomir, Lodo and Gam in one boat; Varagorn, Perry and Mippin in the next; and Legobrix and Imlig in the other. They were having a race and Lodo was ruthlessly urging Pratomir on by whatever means possible, causing him to row with incredible speed.

"Lodo, leave Pratomir alone, your boat is already way ahead of us!" yelled Varagorn as loud as he could.

"Don't tell me what to do!" came Lodo's reply.

"Don't make me come up there, Lodo!" Varagorn yelled, paddling as hard as he could to try and catch up.

"I'd like to see you try!" snorted Lodo.

"Er, Lodo." Gam pulled on Lodo's sleeve.

"Not now, Gam." Lodo pushed him away. "_Come on, you pitiful excuse for a man_!" he yelled back to Varagorn.

"Lodo..." Gam tried again.

"I'm coming over there, and when I do you'll wish you'd never been born!" called Varagorn, panting as he tried to row faster.

"_Oh yeah_!?" Lodo stood up and went to the back of the small Shelvish boat.

"YEAH!" Varagorn was about ten metres behind now.

Lodo roared to Varagorn, "I THINK THAT YOU ARE SO STUPID THAT – _not now Gam_ – THAT YOU COULDN'T EVEN LICK SMELLROND'S SHOES!"

"YEAH!? WELL I'M NOT THE ONE WHO KNOWS WHAT SMELLROND'S SHOES TASTE LIKE!"

This confused Lodo.

Gam desperately tried to get his attention. "Lodo, _Lodo_, LODO!"

"What _now_ Gam? OH MY GOD! YOU IDIOT!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE WERE ROWING STRAIGHT TOWARDS A WATERFALL!?! PRATOMIR, STOP, STOP, STOP, _STOP_!!!"

"No! If I stop then you'll just tell me to start again! This will all just end in tears." Pratomir shook his head.

"DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!" screamed Lodo, dangerously close to ripping his hair out as he always did when he was close to the edge of sanity.

"Fine, but if your boat loses the race to the shore then don't come crying to me!" Pratomir sighed, putting the oar back in the boat and sitting at ease. He had rather liked being in the lead for a change.

"Oh, I won't!" Lodo growled.

"Lodo is stupid! Lodo is stupid! He races his boat and can't stay afloat! Lodo is stupidly stupid!" came the chants of Legobrix and Varagorn from behind.

"Come on, Gam, let's use one of the old Hire rhymes on them! First let's change the names to Legobrix and Varagorn. Legobrix and Varagorn sitting on a log, they both fall off and have a... CRAP! THE WATERFALL!"

Pratomir steered the boat as much as he could to the right but it didn't work – they were going to go over the edge!

"BAIL OUT! BAIL OUT!" came Lodo's cries.

The three all jumped out of the boat and Pratomir grabbed Lodo and Gam under his arms, diving under the water.

"He's going to drown them! Legobrix shoot him!" ordered Varagorn.

But just then, Pratomir's wet body emerged from the water onto the bank, followed by Lodo and finally Gam, because he was so heavy they both had to haul him up.

Lodo stood up, and after making sure that he was all right, yelled, "WE BEAT YOU!"

"CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAT!" Legobrix and Varagorn yelled as they turned their boats into the bank.

"Gam, have you got a towel?" asked Lodo.

"Only one," he replied, searching for it in his pack.

"Good, pass it here then."

"Um, Mr Lodo, that towel was for me," mumbled Gam as Lodo began to dry himself down, getting it sopping wet.

"Yes, well, a bit of harsh weather won't kill you, will it."

"Since when were you so good at rowing?" Varagorn asked Pratomir interestedly.

"I'm on Rondor University's rowing team. We compete against Spastic Sohan's College every year. We've won the last three years in a row." Pratomir suddenly giggled stupidly. "Ha! A row! Get it? A row... boats... rowing..." he added doubtfully at Varagorn's confused expression.

"Lets rest here, we leave at nightfall," ordered Varagorn, quickly changing the subject.

"I think we should leave now," Legobrix said to his friend.

"No, the Horks patrol the eastern shore, it's much safer to stay hidden by cover of darkness."

"Yeah, well, where's the fun in that?" Legobrix demanded.

"That is precisely why I am the leader and you are not, Legobrix," Varagorn said.

"Humph!" Legobrix stormed off.

"Oh, come on, Legobrix, it was a joke!" Varagorn called after him.

"Ha, ha, how funny... I don't see anyone laughing at your special joke! Or would you like to explain to us how your joke works? Hmm? You see, in Smirkwood jokes are actually funny, so I don't know where you come from, but you don't have a very good sense of humour do you!?" Legobrix said, "I mean, Imlig, do you find that joke funny?"

"Urm, I suppose it could be in a way." He shrugged.

Legobrix glared at him and whispered something in his ear.

"In a very sick and twisted way," Imlig added. "Well, actually... no, it's not funny at all. Shame on you, Varagorn!"

"See? I suppose that you're so deranged that you don't understand." With that, Legobrix turned his back on the Fellowship and stalked away.

Imlig chased after him, saying, "What about my money?"

Varagorn raised his eyebrows. But then he noticed something that had just washed up on the riverbank.

"Legobrix! Look, there's a bottle that's just washed up... It has 'To Legobrix' on it," he called after them.

Legobrix turned around. "Really?"

Varagorn waved the bottle in the air.

"Give it here, then." Legobrix held out his hand and Varagorn gave him the green, glass bottle. He took out the roll of paper inside it and stared. "It's one of those weird letters!"

"Weird letters?" Varagorn repeated, looking puzzled (as he so often did).

"They speak to you and you can see them," Legobrix told him. "I think it's from my parents."

"Well, go on, then," Imlig urged him.

Legobrix unrolled the paper and a female voice spoke from inside it. Her face was visible as a moving colour picture. She had the same colour hair as Legobrix and she was very pretty.

"Hello, my little Leggie!" Legobrix went red. "Don't blush, you little angel of mine... just because your friends are there. Yes, I know you're there, Semi-thing... I can see you picking your nose behind that tree!"

"Mum..." Legobrix moaned, going scarlet.

Gam jumped and immediately stopped what he had been doing.

"Uncle Celery and Auntie Gladtohelp just wrote to tell us what you did... Daddy and I are very disappointed in you. You shouldn't steal things from other people, it's wrong, darling."

Another voice joined in and another picture appeared, this time a male Shelf. He had Legobrix's blue eyes, and he was very handsome, but he wore glasses. "Even if they are Shelves like Celery and Gladtohelp," he grinned.

"Look, we had no other choice," said Legobrix. "Blandalf left us with no food and water."

"Oh, my poor baby!" exclaimed his mother, looking outraged. "Where is that Blizzard anyway? I need to talk to him."

"He left with Ralbog in the Mines of Toria," Legobrix told her.

"Introduce all your friends, here, junior," said his father.

"Don't call me that," Legobrix mumbled. "This is Varagorn, you met him a couple of years ago at Larwen's birthday party."

"Oh, is he that cute little adorable boy who liked strawberries and ice- cream, but then ate too many and threw up?" remembered Legobrix's mother.

"Yeah, that's him. Anyway, then there's Imlig and..."

"A Frawd!?" exclaimed his parents.

"Yes, he's a Frawd," Legobrix sighed.

"Listen, sport, I want you to come back home right now, okay?" said his father. "Frawds are dangerous creatures. You never know what they might do when your back's turned."

Imlig growled threateningly, sounding quite like a dog.

"Leave him alone," Legobrix sighed. "He's quite, er, nice once you get to know him. Anyway, this is Pratomir, then Lodo, Gam, Perry and Mippin."

"Leggie, you're not letting anyone boss you around, are you?" asked Legobrix's mother.

Legobrix glanced at Varagorn. "No, mother."

"And you are eating properly, aren't you?"

"Yes, mother."

"And you are looking after everyone, aren't you?"

"Yes, mother."

"And you are...?"

"Yes!" Legobrix groaned. "I'll see you when I get home, all right?"

"Okay, then, my little prince... big hugs and kissywisses... bye-bye!"

"Goodbye," said Legobrix through gritted teeth. He rolled up the paper again and stuffed it back into the bottle. He glared at the others as if daring them to comment.

"Big hugs and kissywisses?" snorted Varagorn.

"My little prince?" giggled Pratomir.

"Leggie?" asked Imlig, looking utterly revolted.

Legobrix cleared his throat, blushing furiously. "Um... I think we should start gathering wood to make a fire tonight and make a camp," he said.

"Certainly, you little angel of mine," agreed Varagorn, struggling not to laugh.

"We'll do that, then," Legobrix decided loudly.

"Leggie?" Imlig muttered, still with a disgusted look on his face, as he set to unloading the Fellowship's possessions out of the boats.

"Hey, Mip, so don't you think this is weird? I mean we're in a completely desolate landscape with an Irish Frawd, a weird Shelf, that isn't long and made of wood, a man who doesn't want to be a king and a transvestite."

Perry and Mippin were out collecting wood, taking this opportunity to have a private conversation.

"Well actually, Imlig isn't Irish, he's Scottish, like me," Mippin pointed out.

"But I always thought you were Irish."

"Well, anyway, who's the transvestite?" asked Mippin, choosing to turn a blind eye on Perry's ignorance.

"Pratomir."

"How do you know?" Mippin asked.

He stopped walking to concentrate on what Perry was saying, as Moppet's were not able to multi-task.

"Well, you know when we were in Elrondville? I saw him put on a dress – it was a really short one... and he shaves his legs. Then, when he'd put the dress on, he put on some ladies underwear."

"Cool."

"Yeah, this is really juicy gossip, Mip... imagine how much the Rondor Times would pay for this."

"Yeah, we could buy a big company and smash Kag Start!" Mippin suggested. Kag Start was the most ugly building in the Hire and everyone was determined to get rid of it.

"Yeah, with Lodo and Gam inside!!"

Mippin gave Perry and extremely worried look. "Yes... Or we could buy a pony!"

"I love ponies!" Perry jumped up and down.

Mippin watched him carefully in case he was in danger of grabbing something dangerous. Perry ended up grabbing another stick, which was handy.

"Yeah!" Mippin agreed.

"I want a pony Mip! I want my own little pony... I want it NOW!"

"Yes, now what did we talk about? You know 'I want' doesn't get."

"I don't care... I want a pony!" yelled Perry, jumping up and down.

"Okay, we'll get you a pony when we get home," said Mippin nervously, aware that Perry was at his most dangerous when he was in this type of mood.

"Yeah, cool! But Mippin..."

"Yes?"

"Make sure it's blue."

As Lodo was collecting wood he wondered, 'why do I have to do this? Why can't Gam? It's not fair; I have the most money... they should do as I say. Stupid, stuck up fools!'

A voice interrupted his thoughts. "Lodo, what are you doing? None of us should wander alone, least of all you." It was Pratomir. He had wandered away from camp to gawp at his new lipstick.

"Why?" asked Lodo insolently.

"Because."

"Oh, right, the Wing thing. You know, Pratomir, that is sooo last month."

"Yep. Anyway, I'm so hungry... I could murder a bit of beef, or better chicken." Pratomir started slowly walking towards Lodo with a strange light in his eyes.

"Pratomir?" said Lodo nervously, backing away slightly.

"Yes, that's right, why don't we all sit down and eat your little friend, eh?"

"I'd hardly describe Gam as little," Lodo frowned. "Well, maybe you would, seeing as how men are twice as tall as us..."

"What? Oh, no, I was actually talking about the Wing."

"But Blandalf said not to eat it."

"He did, did he? Well, if you're willing to trust that nutcase." Pratomir shrugged. "He was the one who left us with no food apart from that Wing. You know, Lodo, I bet this is one of those moral tests... well if it is, I'd say I've well and truly failed. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Pratomir suddenly jumped on Lodo, he was still laughing.

"Pratomir! NO!" Lodo tried to wriggle out of his grasp.

"Give me the Wing!"

"No!"

"I'll just have to eat _you_ then! A bit of fried Moppet sounds good, doesn't it! Which bit do you want? I want your head!" Pratomir had obviously been driven mad by hunger.

"You can't eat it!" shouted Lodo.

"Then I'll just have to kill you! If I can't eat it, I've always wanted to be able to fly, you know."

"Pratomir, get off me!" Lodo kicked Pratomir in his bits, causing him to fall to the ground. Lodo repeatedly kicked him and then bit Pratomir's arm. "Well, if you want to eat the Wing, how do you think it feels? That's what it feels like to be eaten, by the way!" Lodo put on the Wing and flew away out of sight.

Pratomir curled up in a ball, like he did when he was a baby. "Lodo? Lodo?" he called, looking around desperately. He suddenly exploded again, "I know your mind! You'll fly with the Wing to Pauron and give it to him! You'll betray us all! LODO!"

Lodo came to a halt over a small tower. He landed quite smoothly and this made him very proud. "Useful, little thing aren't you," he said to the Wing, "Very pleasing ride there."

"Lodo? Is that you?" Varagorn, who had also been collecting wood (they needed a lot of wood, you see... actually it's just an excuse for them all to be wandering around), had found the little tower and sat down underneath it.

"Yes," Lodo said nervously. He knew he shouldn't have put on the Wing.

"Well come down here, then, and have a smoke." Varagorn let out a little chuckle. "Look what I've found!" He held up a small leather pouch that smelled potently of brandy.

"Have you drunk all of it?" asked Lodo.

"Why, yes! I seem to have drunk it all! What an achievement!"

"You know, Varagorn, Pratomir tried to take the Wing from me."

Varagorn seemed to sober up immediately. "Where is the Wing?" he asked menacingly, advancing on Lodo.

"It's here in my pocket... Wait a minute, you're going to try and take it aren't you!?" Lodo took the Wing from his pocket and clasped it in his hand. "Would you destroy it?" he asked Varagorn testily.

"I would have gone with you to the end," Varagorn said.

"I know."

"Then why did you ask me?"

"I don't know... but Varagorn, I'm leaving now."

"I know."

There was a strange silence.

"Look after the others, especially Gam, he will not understand." Lodo made to leave but suddenly Varagorn yelled and jumped up, sword in hand.

"Lodo, your sword!" Ping had turned blue. "HORKS!"

"AHH!" screamed Lodo.

"Run!" Varagorn ordered.

Lodo nodded in appreciation and ran off as fast as his little Moppet legs would carry him. Varagorn turned around and went around the corner of the tower to face the hundreds of Urk-Hors facing him, in his extremely sexy way.

"FIND THE SEMI-THINGS! ARGH! FIND THE SEMI-THINGS!" ordered what seemed to be the leader. He was wearing a piece of armour that said 'Burpz – #1' on it. Varagorn charged at the Urk-Hors, yelling and pulling faces to scare them off.

_Meanwhile..._

"So in conclusion, there's absolutely no hope of me getting a blue pony, Mip?" asked Perry disappointedly.

Mippin shook his head sadly. "Oh look, it's Lodo!" He waved to Lodo as the Moppet ran past, but then he noticed the thousands of swarming Urk-Hors coming down the hill towards them. "Hide, Perry!"

The two Moppets ran to the nearest place, which was in the middle of a felled oak. They jumped into the split in the side.

"Lodo, over here! Hide with us!" called Perry.

"What's he doing?" asked Mippin when Lodo shook his head.

"He's leaving," Perry realised.

"NOOOO!" Mippin jumped out of the oak and made towards Lodo.

The Urk-Hors saw him and ran towards Mippin, and Perry, who had climbed out to make Mippin get back in to the hiding place.

"Oh no, they've seen us!" Mippin exclaimed.

Perry gave one last look at Lodo, this would be the last time he saw him for a long time. "Run," he whispered to him. "Oy, you! Over here!" he yelled up to the Urk-Hors.

"What are you doing?" Mippin asked him incredulously.

"We're distracting them!"

"It's working!"

"I know, run!"

Perry and Mippin ran as hard as they could with the Urk-Hors chasing them.

"Perry, they're going to kill us!" moaned Mippin.

"Shut up and run!"

Suddenly an axe wielding Urk-Hor sprang at them.

"AAAAAAGH!" they screamed.

Mippin screwed up his face; he knew he was about to meet his maker... But Pratomir came running towards them from the bushes.

"ARGH!" he yelled as he sliced the Urk-Hor to pieces, "See you in Hell!"

There was a moment in which nobody said anything. Pratomir was panting and Perry and Mippin were staring at him in awe.

"Pratomir, you saved us!" gasped Mippin.

"I did? I killed it! Cool! Did I kill it all right? I mean, was there a lot of blood?" He turned the body of the Hork over and black blood spurted all over him.

"Eurgh," Mippin and Perry complained.

"WAARRRRR!" More Urks were charging down the hill, some using the steps carved out of stone and running daintily down, others tripping over and rolling the rest of the way. Mippin and Perry turned to run but then stopped – they had to see Pratomir in action. After killing five Horks, Pratomir took his horn out of its clasp on his belt and blew it several times, making a deafening noise.  
  
"Legobrix! Finally you've come! Oh, and you've brought Imlig!" Varagorn smiled, as he and his friends sliced through the endless tide of Urk-Hors.

"What's that noise?" asked Legobrix, poking an arrow through one's eye and then firing it at a second.

"It's the horn of Rondor! Pratomir!" Varagorn realised.

The three of them ran towards the noise, slicing and chopping down the Urk- Hors on their way.  
  
Pratomir blew the horn a few more times... Why was no one coming? Cutting down all these Urks was a hard business; he would have to wash his hair at least twice to get the smell of sweat out of it. Coming out of nowhere, a black-feathered arrow sank into Pratomir's chest, causing him to stagger backwards and gasp in pain. Looking around wildly for the Hork archer, Pratomir parried an Urk and plunged his sword into its belly. He reached for his shield, forgetting that he had swapped it for that lipstick and realising that Legobrix had been right... why did he always have to put makeup first? Why couldn't he listen to his friends for once? But then another black arrow found its mark in his back, where his shield would have been. In agony, Pratomir sank to his knees, just finding enough strength to hew down another Urk. Perry and Mippin stood, rooted to the ground, watching him with horrified expressions on their faces. Then, as one, the two Moppets ran at the next Urks, daggers raised above their heads, yelling, and attempted to kill them; they were easily swept off their feet and swung over the Urks's shoulders, being carried away, kicking and screaming.  
  
A tall silhouette moved slowly towards Pratomir, and a long, roughly cut Hork bow pointed straight at his head. The extremely ugly Urk-Hor known as Burpz stood a metre away with an arrow fitted to the string. As Pratomir looked up at the tall figure towering over him, he could almost see his death reflected in the Hork's eyes and gave a small whimper of mingled pain and fear. The sword dropped from his hand, suddenly feeling too heavy to hold. Burpz slowly and menacingly drew back the bowstring as far as it would go, snarling and looking Pratomir directly in the eyes. His were dark and bloodshot. Pratomir's were grey-blue and did not look away but stared back defiantly; he wasn't scared any longer.

"YAARGH!" A figure launched itself into Burpz, knocking the bow away and pushing the Hork to the ground.Burpz had let loose the arrow just as he had been pushed, and the third flew into Pratomir's shoulder. Pratomir collapsed.

Varagorn rolled away from Burpz and took a wild slash at him, missing. The Hork swung one of his almighty fists, sending Varagorn sprawling into a tree. Then he threw his shield, trapping Varagorn's head between metal and wood as it flew into the tree-bark and stuck fast. Snatching up a sword from one of his fallen comrades, Burpz charged at Varagorn. Desperately trying to free himself, Varagorn managed to slip through just in time and the sword sliced into the tree, making the wood splinter. Burpz roared in frustration and threw a dagger at his enemy. Varagorn parried it like a baseball player, using his sword like the bat, and sent it circling off into the trees, the metal singing. He hadn't been captain of the baseball team at school for nothing. Burpz ran at Varagorn, knocking him to the ground and making him drop his sword. The heir to the throne of Rondor drew a knife from his belt and stabbed the Hork in the thigh. Then, straightening up, Varagorn picked up his sword, sliced off Burpz's arm and sent the long blade through the Hork's chest. It seemed to have no effect. Burpz pulled Varagorn closer, drawing the sword still more through his chest. His stomach gurgling, the Hork prepared for the loudest, longest and smelliest belch he had ever performed. His burps could kill, hence the name Burpz. In a moment of terror, Varagorn realised what was going to happen. Then he remembered the mint from Lost Dorian... reaching into his pocket, he stuffed the extremely strong Shelvish mint into Burpz's mouth. Taken by surprise, the Hork stopped, and Varagorn wrenched his sword out of Burpz's chest. Remembering how Legobrix had taught him to do it, Varagorn slashed through the Hork's neck, sending his head rolling away down the hill. Looking around at the many slain Horks and wondering who had killed them all, Varagorn then ran over to Pratomir. He was very pale.  
  
"Pratomir," Varagorn whispered.

"I – I tried," Pratomir choked, looking desperately up at him. "They – they took the little ones... I – I killed some of them but..." he trailed off, gasping in pain.

"You killed...?" Varagorn couldn't believe it.

"I – I tried to take the Wing from Lodo... I was so hungry... tell me he's all right?"

Varagorn nodded, remembering that he had spoken to Lodo only a few minutes ago. "Yes. He's fine."

Pratomir coughed, getting the sour taste of blood in his mouth. "T-tell Legobrix he was right... and give him this." He motioned to his makeup bag. "Go to my father in Canis Spirit and – and tell him who you are... the heir to the throne... then you can rule over my people – our people." Pratomir was struggling to stay alive.

"I'll go to the Grey Town, Pratomir. I'll tell them what you did for us."

"Th-thank you," Pratomir whispered, before letting his head hit the ground and his eyes close.

Legobrix arrived just as this happened, carrying Imlig under one arm. When he saw what had happened, he dropped the Frawd, causing Imlig to grunt in surprise, and stood with an expression of sadness on his face.

Gam was running as fast as he could, searching everywhere. "Mr Lodo!" he called, his pack bouncing up and down on his back with the frying pans and cooking implements jangling to the rhythm of his feet. "Mr Lodo, where are you?" He stopped, trying to think hard. "Gam think... If you were Mr Lodo, where would you go? Think like Lodo..." He thought hard, but the only thoughts that came into his head were 'If you were me, Gam, I'd be terribly fat' and 'You could never be half the Moppet I am'. Then Gam thought 'if I were Lodo I would be running away. The Boats!'. Gam ran towards the boats as fast as his fat little legs would carry him. He came to them and saw Lodo, half way across the river in one of them. In the boat that Gam had left his special seeds from Lost Dorian in. "Mr Lodo stop!" he yelled.

"No, Gam, you can't come with me, go back!" Lodo seemed to think that Gam wanted to go with him.

In a last desperate attempt to stop Lodo, Gam plunged straight into the freezing water and tried to swim to Lodo. He went under as soon as the water was to deep for him to stand in.

"GAM!"

Lodo rowed back and then pulled Gam out; this was extremely hard. Once Gam was out he started panting like a dog.

"Oh, Gam... you did all that just to come with me?"

"No, I..."

Lodo interrupted him. "I should think so, too. You are so nice! You can have all of the food we have!"

Gam stopped trying to tell Lodo he had only come for the seeds. The whole food supply? Cool! "Yes, Mr Lodo, I did do all this just to come with you... Now about the food supply..."

"Yes, yes, Gam, we'll sort that out when we need to." Lodo brushed this comment past.

"Where were you!?" shouted Varagorn, pacing up and down in front of Legobrix and Imlig ferociously.

"I..." Legobrix was cut short.

"_Well? Spit it out_!" he demanded.

"Yeah," said Imlig, "Spit it out." He quailed under Varagorn's steely glare.

"I'll tell you where I was!" Legobrix snapped. "I _was_ coming to help, but that stupid, fat Frawd decided to get stuck in a badgers' set! So I had to pull this great lump out whilst trying not to get killed and then run with him under my arm all the way here because apparently his legs hurt too much!"

"Oh, they're – they're just about fine now," Imlig shrugged, glancing nervously at the expressions on both Legobrix and Varagorn's faces.

"Oh, so blame it on the badgers, its always on the badgers, isn't it Legobrix!" Varagorn said.

"What?" Legobrix frowned.

"Remember when we went to that summer camp and you couldn't make it in time for the match because your pants were eaten by badgers? That was only because you couldn't be your favourite position, wasn't it?"

"Well, I suppose that it's not relevant that you didn't come to the swimming gala because you had to swim front crawl, not back stroke! Now why was that? Urm..." said Legobrix sarcastically, "Oh yeah! I remember, because Larwen was pregnant and you felt you had to be there!"

"That was true!" Varagorn protested.

"Sure it was. As you were only nine!"

"But – but – but the badgers," Varagorn stammered.

"_But – but – but the badgers_," mocked Legobrix.

"Excuse me, but what about Perry and Mippin? And may I remind you that someone has just died? And I am not fat!" intervened Imlig.

"Oh, right," Varagorn nodded. "We will not abandon Perry and Mippin to torment and death... Let's hunt some Hork." He ran off.

Legobrix looked down at Imlig. "You are this close," he growled, illustrating with a gap in between his fingers. He followed after Varagorn.

Imlig gulped, running behind the other two.


End file.
